I'm dying

Head and Heart,

Not friends I'm thus sure.

Nothing is the same,
How can there be?

I yearn for your touch.

Head and Heart,

What's setting us apart,

I need to leave
Nothing else I'm as sure as this.

I cry when I start.

Dreaming of the start.
Wishing for the end to part.

Time is something I have not to touch.
Time is something I need to let pass..

Breathing hard.
I try to leave my heart...

My mind is breaking apart. So many things, I don't know where to start... I don't know how I'll survive this.. I don't think I can.. It's as though there's a stone tied to my heart, and I cry whenever I remember how much I can't revive.

I miss him alot.. alot alot..

He asked me out yesterday. I scolded him. Guess we won't be friends anymore, it's too hard for the both of us anyway.. Perhaps totally going seperate ways would be better for the both of us. I can't help it.. I feel like crying every time I think of him. And everything makes me think of him. From songs we use to sing together to places we use to go, from cuisines that he likes to things that we do. I don't know how I'm going to feel better or how long will it take. But I really wish that I will feel better someday. I can only wish him all the best. Perhaps I'm not the right girl for him afterall.. it's better this way.

Little by little

I'm finishing up my master piece. I'll frame it and I'll send it and I'll not want to ever see it again. Good Bye..

Haiz...

(Unwillingly) "The things I do for love..."
(Cheeky skeptical look) "Oh really? For love ei?"

Little things that I still remember.. I'm trying hard to forget.. but memories are hard to chase away. And certain things take forever to forget.

And sometimes I just don't want to forget. Sometimes I just want to live in that beautiful picture that I paint. While the days were still in the naive air, and everything seemed oh so perfect.

Perhaps people really change. For better or for worst? I'm too sick to care.. I just hope for you to have the best. Whether we will see each other again is for the future to say.

I'll just have to live with it I guess? To live with the feeling of sadness and the pain. And one day I'm sure I'll grow out of it. And things will be the same again. Other than that you've taken a part of my heart away. Other than that I'll be better than today.

The windows half open or half closed?
The rain is starting or just stopped?
Is it dawn or is it rise?
Do the birds sing or do they cry?

The little things that go through my mind,
When I look out of my window.
I wanted to take a smoke.
And then I realised...

The vision that welcome me,
As I peep outside,
I wanted to stay longer.
And then I realised...

The leaves sway, and the children play,
I smiled a little smile
I wanted to keep smiling.
And then I realised...

The distance showed some flickering light
Some one is home tonight.
I wanted to see what happens next
And then I realised...

And then I realised...

There was nothing that I could have done,
None of any kind.

Why can't I be stronger?

Rain drops upon my feet,
yet the skies ain't crying.

I was alone in defeat,
No one saw me.

And I loiter around the lonely streets,
looking for the ghosts of memory.

Yet I find I'm alone,
alone with no company.

The world as still as a picture,
I shall walk alone forever.

I'm back~!

haha.. been forever and ever since I updated this blog.. :P ops.. Almost forgot about the existence of this blog actually.. sorry for ppl that actually come here..

anyway.. alot alot alot has happened since I last blogged here... ppl who read my friendster blog will know coz I have been updating that one...

Well, I kindda broke up with B again.. yes.. AGAIN.. have a bad feeling that we'll eventually go back to the dating but not serious at all state where I'll be trying to decieve myself again... haiz.. Life stinks..

So many things happened lately.. It's kindda nice, yet a little depressing when I think about it thoroughly. hm.. what kind of life would I want to lead? I don't know really.. I hope to lead a life where I don't feel bad about myself, where I can live up to my conscience i guess. That's the most basic thing in life. Nothing else matters much I feel at this point in life.

sure, money is always viewed as an important thing, especially in singapore. But what is money? little notes of different size and colours that ppl exchange around for something else. That's almost equivalent to nothing. Money is essential for getting things that you want, but not necessarily for things that you need. Well, I like making money, just for the fun of it. I like the security it gives me that I know I won't have to fore go things that I want. But essentially, I don't think I'm money hungry. It's kindda weird. I've never felt that money was of great importance even though I grew in the same family as my brother. He kindda is very calculative when it comes to money issue sometimes... abit the jian qian yan kai some times.. which I don't really like most of the time.

oh well.. I'm in office now.. damn warm.. the air-con is not really working again... melting...

Stupid blogger deleted away my blog!!!

GRRRRR... nvm lah. I'll write again another day.. :P tired liao..

Live again - Joanita

For one night.
Just one night.
I wish, I could be fine.

For one night.
Just one night.
I wish, I could stand high.

I wish for the courage.
I wish for the strength.
I wish I could be with you again.

I wish for more time.
For it to past slowly.
I wished you had not been
the way you are.

One more wish.
Just one more time.
Just one more night with you.

One more dream.
By your side.
And I'll be blessed for life.

Bridge:
Some times I wonder if
If I could change a thing.
If it'd matter if I died.
And I will forgive
What ever wrong done to me.
Just like it was my last time~~

For one night.

Just one night.

I wish, I could be fine.

For one night.

Just one night.
I wish, I could stand high.

One more night.

Just one night.

Sometimes I wish I could try, Harder.

One more night.
Just one night.

And my dreams will live again.

Ups and Downs... As usual

I can never understand why the more one wants something to happen as planned, the less is its probability of happening. Especially so when the things planned were supposed to be sweet and nice...

I'm starting to think, it's just human. Or atleast a specific kind, like me and you-know-who.

I guess, after some rational and analytical thinking, I've come to a conclusion that our similarity in personalities(frighteningly similar some times) is probably the reason to this issue. Coz, I don't believe it's a very common issue among other couples.. But for us.. Whenever we want to do something sweet, there is just this hidden desire to make the other party 'work' for it. And when the desired treatment is not present, we kindda don't feel like what we were planning on doing anymore.

I told him off(kindda) the last time it happened, that he should not expect me to treat him better than usual coz he is GOING to treat me nice for the evening.1) coz I won't know that he is going to be nice unless he tells me 2) I won't know what is installed for me until it happens and 3) treating someone nice is not suppose to be a reciprocal thing. Well, I'm not saying that I don't make the same mistakes.. but.. ya... I guess sometimes it's just in our personality and cannot help it. atleast understanding it and talking it through helps release the strain in our relationship.

But then again.. haha.. sometimes it's not just purely that as well.. sometimes I feel that it's simply that the guy up there didn't want things to turn out right. like all the weird things will happen at the most inappropriate timing.

Oh well.. I guess that's just how life is. The difference between theory and practical.

Meanwhile, I went clubbing last night at china black. That was pretty fun. most of the time, I'll be able to dance to almost any music so long as I find the songs nice. Which also caused one problem, I have no idea how to differentiate different genres of music. haha.. *confused* Anyway.. went with my JC best friend, her cousin, and his friends... It was pretty good company, a very fun and funny and caring group. :P Feel very safe being out with them.

My god lots of AH BENGS tried to hit on me yesterday.. hahaa... Ah beng magnet.. whahaha CMI lah.. Y only ah bengs? Damn. :P indirectly nearly caused a fight.. ops. oh well.. guys are weird creatures.. I only like dancing with people I know... atleast I feel safe around them.. stranger guys are usually weird.. like, dance is dance.. y can't they keep their hands to themselves? want to train me to become escape artist is it? everytime have to think of ways to run away or find somebody to hide behind of.. the lather option would involve a risk of getting the 'somebody' into trouble as well.. haiz.. heng I don't club that often.. Men...

Relationships

I started off wanting to write about relationships.. after writing 3 paragraphs.. I felt sick.. and deleted all of them off..

Haiz.. Actually I don't really know how I should feel too.. there's only one person in my life now that I feel I love... But he does not love me. How much more straightforward can that be? Why can't he just tell me that he does not love me and tell me to buzz off? The more I spend time with him, the more he acts like he loves me, the more I'm falling for him.. But he is just an imagination! I can't even think of a single reason to why I should be with someone who does not give shit about how I feel, who only cares for me because I am around him and don't give a damn about how I am doing when I'm not with him. Sick of all this hypocracy.. If I'm nothing, tell me I'm nothing. Don't be politically correct so as to keep me as your safety net.

Trust is really something I cannot put on you? Is it really that out of reach? You make me feel so naive I can't even believe you anymore.. Coz now I know, that everything you do and say are all lies.. just acts that you put up, means nothing at all... Everything..

How it pains me.. How it pains me to know that everything that felt real were nothing but BS. And yet I can't find someone/anywhere else to focus on other than he.. I feel pathetic.

Stop asking me if I love you. I told you I did. And until the day I say I don't. I will continue loving you..

Odd things about me...

Sleepy sleepy..

My hair.. is curly on one side and kindda straight on the other side now...
My eyes.. One is bigger than the other...
My feet.. is deformed.. just one.. lucky me..
My fingers.. looks croaked when inspected individually...
My Pimples.. likes to grow IN my DIMPLES...
My dress sense.. wait.. what IS dress sense?
My waist... is asymmatrical...
I... am odd..

So many more things.. lazy to type liao.. perhaps I should make a list of things that are NORMAL about me.. should be much easier.. :P

I... eat.
I... sleep.
fullstop.

hehee..

And I wonder..

If it is true that Love is blind.

To really love someone.. would one be able to tolerate everything bad about him/her so long as that does not contradict with the intrinstic values that made one fall in love.

If everyone is perfect in somebody's eyes.

If we were born to make the world a better place, OR

If our mission in life is to make ourselves a better person.

If darwin was right on the theory of evolution.

If it's better to marry someone older or younger.

If MY marriage would be shortlived..

If I'll get married at all.

If the world would have been a better place if all man are of the same colour.

If there will ever be racial equality.

If there will ever be gender equality.

If anyone cares what I write here.

If anyone wonders the same things as me.

If I have been doing the right things.

If I can make myself do better.

What can I do to make myself and everything around me better.

The questions of life.... What is the question to 42?

Fooling around

Am I trying too hard?

Running around, going about
Here and there, everywhere
Trying this one out,
That one out.
Nothing quite works out.

Heart broken again and again
Perhaps my hopes were too high
Perhaps my dreams were to pretty
Perhaps giving up would be a better choice

Who?

Either someone out there who has the same name as me incidently dropped by and read my blog and actually decided to leave a tag. OR, there is an IMPOSTER!! Make me look so blur on my own blog also... =_="" I may be blur, but not blur until like that okie..

Had a rather long and nicely indepth talk yesterday with Adam. And I've decided that the only why I'll ever stop feeling hurt and he'll stop hurting me would be unless I leave him. But speaking from experience(the don't-know-how-many-ampteen-times i tried to leave him..) I don't really think that is possible.. coz I like him far too much to actually not care about him. And he is to thick in the head and full of himself and flirtatious, I don't think he'll ever change.

And so! My only solution is for time to past. I read on a personality test thing this morning that my 'fresh' meter normally only works for a year max(and up till now, that has been rather accurate, my longest relationship is 1 yr 1 month?) So, I'll just have to wait till it's about a year, and I'll start to stop liking him. ^_^ then I'll be happy, and find ease in leaving him I guess. Silly way of thinking and probably a form of denial.. Oh well..

Went to NTU for the medical checkup today. Nothing much to talk about that, other than that I didn't know that taking X-rays were such a fast process.. Almost like a factory operation. Anyway, had to go to the X-ray clinic place for X-ray which landed me in Jurong Point.. boredom of all boredoms.. I had virtually nothing to do there and no one was avaliable to accompany me as well.. ended up having mos burger for dinner(?)(coz I was wondering around aimlessly and was starting to feel hungry, but it was only 1645, and I'm still not hungry now..) I had quite some food though.. had a yakiniku rice burger, a small pack of fries and 5 piece nuggets.

I must say this to everyone.. Mc's nuggets are probably made of chicken poop.

I think I like Mos's nuggets the most...(at the very least you can see the meat tissue and not just a plup of... can I even call it chicken?) And their mustard.. I love their mustard.. this tangy vineger taste always makes food taste so nice..and today.. I just realised that.. if you have the fries in their mustard 1st, and then on the next bite have their chilli sauce instead, the taste is simply heavenly. The nice combination of the vineger in the mustard still on your tongue mixed with the sweet and slightly spicy chilli sauce on their fat and solid fries.. yum.. knock out.

And I managed to do some french revision and excercises while I was there as well. Which made it pretty alright actually. Wanted to go clubbing tonight initially...but guess not.. getting lazy now... think sleeping might just be the better alternative.

And with regards to nudity and sexuality issues.. As long as everyone is clear of what are the consequences and responsibilities, I guess there isn't much to object about.. just that, I think I might just be a little more moral about it.. No matter how much I don't think it's particularly wrong, I can't really put myself though it, or atleast(I think) not feel guilty after.

okie comments are up.

hey, been a little while since I blogged. For the benefit of readers who have something serious and relatively long to say about my posts. I have put up the comments for you.

It's been awhile.

I haven't been home alot these few days. Adam is back.. and I'm feeling rather happy around him. Although it's still painful to see him sometimes. The inspiration for all my sad music. We talked a little about our relationship again yesterday over dinner. And I started running away again. Good enough he did pursue, and we had a rather delicious dinner in robertson walk. yum! sketches is a great place to eat! everyone should try their blueberry juice, it has got real blue berries in it.. absolutely marvelous.

And what made it better was that, there is this mediterreanian dance performance thing going on there.. So, all we had to do was to walk across the river to get, good food and good performance on a WEDNESDAY night and it's just fantastic.

Finally got to watch Spanglish as well. A good film I must say. With very interesting and beautiful charactors. Next up, will be A Very Long Engagement. I'll try to not use too much of the subtitles this time round, and see if I can understand any of it.

Talking about french films. We(my french classmates and I) managed to persuade our teacher to let us watch Les Choristes in our french class(which had a staggering turn up of 7 out of 16 last week). It was a very pretty film. And I'd recommend it to everyone. Another one of those teacher-touches-bad-students-heart-and-kaboom-all-become-good-students film. but it's nice with all the singing.. :P

Bullshit

Got home yesterday and saw on the papers 2 full pages about some girl who posted her nude pics on her blog. The publishers must have been really free, ran out of things to write/report about or just decided that paper wasn't something worth saving or giving a shit about.

Well, I know that blog actually, it belongs to somebody who is a 2nd degree 'friend'.. Sincerely speaking, I don't see what's wrong with it. I mean, okie, it's against the law and 'immoral' suppositly, but, it's supposed to be a blog. if anything, though it's on the net, you don't have to read it. If one wants to read it, then don't complain about it's explicite language or pictures. In anycase, though the pictures weren't exactly portrayed as art, but there really aren't that many and they are not explicite. If anything, it's the language and content, why only pin point at the pictures?

*Just to make things clear. I do read the blog every now and then as I find her way of writing/her writing style or so to say, a pleasure to read, and she does have rather interesting(crude, yes, but interesting) opinions about life, the world and art that I find worth in reading.

So what exactly is in the law? Visual language is acceptable but not pictures? The written contents is so much more explicite and no one gave a damn until the pics came up. And all the news paper article focused on was the fact that the pictures were of nudity. There is only one picture that's of blatant nudity, and it wasn't even crude.

Maybe it's just Singaporeans? Are we being alittle too conservative and small brained? What's the big fuss up over just a photo when we can tolerate all the rest of the contents? What is it about visual articles that is so provocative? If it's like really explicite or sexual without any artistic value I can understand the resentment, this is just absurd. Our understanding and portrayal of sexuality is just so backward and remarkably immature.

To feel offensed by sexual or immoral articles is natural for people of conservative values. But to feel offensed, or rather deeply offensed, just because of visual nudity, is plain immaturity.

To anyone who feels like the blog is disturbing you, get a life. Stop reading it if you don't like it's contents. If not. Stop being a hypocrite while secretly savouring the flavourful events of somebody elses life, and feeding your own sick little wormy brain.

fatal attraction

The thrill of life.

A hundred and one things I've never seen and I thought I'd never get to see.

He, is the cutest thing on earth.
He, is probably the gay-est one as well.
Oh, well, he says that he isn't.
Does it matter? NO!

Well, either or, I got to know Mr Singapore Universe!! Manhunt 2nd runner up and Mr Intercontinental... Haha... he is so awfully gay.. it's actually charming. :P well, he says that he is not gay, and that he likes girls, but sad to say, more guys hit on him than girls.. whahahaa.. His smile can melt gold..

He is going to get me a portfolio. Will have to go on a diet for it.. :P hope everything turns out well!

And like all the smart asses in the world. There is this one.

http://www.msnmarketing.co.kr/2005/04/msg_webcam/swf/movie_03.swf

Cute MV.

http://ippc11.csie.nctu.edu.tw/tccb/tccb_dv/play_video.php?ID=171

Rather creative, made by some University students in Taiwan. Take a look!!

action is the reaction of intention.

okie, I've got something to say about the 'I've done my best' and the 'I've got the intention' thing again.

I find that many a time, people tend to say they have done their best when they clearly haven't and I'm pretty damn sure they know they haven't. Sure, they often act like they are doing all they can, but they weren't trying to solve the problem at all. Just surface work.

There are more than one way to tackle different situations, and if one only tried one way and didn't even try to explore or take effort in finding other ways, he has not even TRIED his best, lets not talk about doing his best.

And to say that he's got the intention to do it, is pure bull shit. Intention is a state of mind, action is the reaction of intention. If the action is in sufficient or in appropriate and nothing is done about it. There is evidently something wrong with the intention itself. Either, the intention wasn't strong enough or there wasn't really such an intention at all..

And so I ponder. If someone does things without true intention, and that I have only words to hold on to. should I even attempt to have faith in him? Is there a reason or a point that I should. Words are like smokes on the waters. They don't do anything other than beautifying the place or making vision unclear...

It's so difficult to have faith in people when they don't even try.

Wise words.

For every second you don't put in your best, you'll have to spend the next hour trying even harder.

Long time no see~

howdy ho, how have everyone been? It's been sometime since I last updated my blog. Sorwee~~

Anyways, been down with some physical discomforts lately and I have concluded that my body works oddly and is very much very different from most other humans.

It seems that a little bump that will cause enough pain for discomforts will appear at my pelvic area whenever I'm not feeling very well.. It's weird. I was just about to get paranoid upon it, wondering if I've got some sort of pelvic cancer and what not, when my mind suddenly recalled seemingly having had the same fear before, in another occasion of coz. And so I decided to ask my mom about it before going to the doctors or doing anything about it. Right as my memory proved, my mom told me that I have for many times consulted her upon the matter of having a small painful bump at the exact same spot. It apparently comes and goes, comes only when I'm down with some other illnesses, and goes as my body recovers. Perhaps one day I should consult a doctor about the matter..

otherwise, all seems well. I guess I do more than many things with determination that's easily challenged. emotionally, I'm exactly as a libran should be and is.

btw, Mr. Seah! How's the workshop thingy going?

Will he even think of me?

These feelings that I cannot hide
There are things that I just can't comply.

I'm sorry, but believe me when I said I tried.
It's not easy to build castles on clouds so white.

If I could choose

I'd rather be on the other end of the line.

And finally. Not even a good bye.

The Ideal man.. In my opinion

Okie, people sometimes ask me, 'what kind of guys attract you?', 'What kind of qualities do I look for in men?', 'What is your IDEAL guy like?'. Well, I guess there really isn't something called ideal in this world. Ya sure, I can state what would be ideal to me, but I guess it'd be impossible for me to find someone who would fit right into that ideal.

But in anycase, for those who care to read, and ever wondered what attracts me and what don't, here is the answer to your wonders.

In no order of preference(coz I really don't know which one is more important, I guess they are all independent indicators):

LOOKS:

1) Is taller than I am by atleast 18cm.

2)Is not hideously ugly.

3)Can cook simple foods.

4)Dark skinned

5)Has a little belly(okie, I'm sick)

6)Has big chest.(mebbe breast as well :P)

7)Not skinny. (Meaning anything from under weight to BMI below 23.5 *okie, I changed my mind after some calculations)

More important matters:

8)Is patient towards me.

9)Makes me feel special.

10)Has a talent/area where he is especially good in.

11)Is out going.

12)Matured.

13)Cares for me.

14)Loves me.

15)Is genuine, and tells me everything.

That is more or less my ideal guy. I haven't met anyone who fits into all of them, maybe I did, but I didn't get to know them well enough to think so I guess.. Anyway, it's just an ideal picture here that I'm painting. If I ever do get to meet someone like this, I'd expect him to be married or have no interest in me at all.. so... Oh well~

I'm so tired... tired of everything...

BGR? or GGR?

What's wrong with them?!

I don't see what's wrong with having lunch or dinner or supper or high tea with boys. They are after all just humans. If I can go out with girls to do mindless shopping why can't I go out with boys to have food? Not like I don't pay for what I eat anyway. So what's wrong with my parents? What's with the 'humiliation to the family' and 'you'll suffer retribution'???!!! What the F am I supposed to suffer 'retribution' for??!! So it's okie if I've got a lesbian friend and I have food out with them in the horrifying PUBLIC?? But I should never have food with a platonic friend????? What is this crap?! I cannot understand it, and I don't think I ever will. I don't see why friends of the opposite sex will HAVE to be 'together'. Aren't man human just as girls are flesh and blood?

So, I'm not in lack of male company. What does that mean? THAT MEANS I HAVE LOTS OF FRIENDS. I go out with a good fair lot of girls as well!! What does that make me? A lesbian? People always tend to look at people from a distorted point of view. Tend to notice things that are 'different' as opposed to things that are 'the same'. If everyone else has got lots of friends both guys and girls whom they go out with regularly, they wouldn't take notice or see any difference between them and me. Which leads me to thinking. These people are really pretty much people who are deprived of friends altogether. They are lonesome and thus find it difficult to accept that there are people out there who have the ability to make friends with any sort of people. And then after that, they cannot put their pride down into making friends with that person any more even if she is friendly towards them, because 1: They already bad mouthed them a whole lot too early and don't want to position themselves as part of the 'gang' 2: They already have a fixed mindset on that person and is too thick in the head to change it. 3: They are hypocrites themselves and assume that everyone else is the same.

I cannot believe how much jealousy, insecurity, and the society and do to people. I'd tell you that I don't believe in such influences if you'd ask me 1 year ago where I still believed in mankind, and think that all people are nice and willing people who have a mind of their own, can differentiate facts from stories and not assume without proving. But now, I find it hard to believe that people are good. I admit that I do get jealous and insecure too.. but I'd never do/say things to harm people, especially so if I don't even know them personnally. If anything, I assume the good things about them rather than the bad things, if not, I simply don't care(not as if it's my business what's going on in their lives anyway).

So, last but not least. All I want to say is that... SINCE I'M NOT A LESBIAN, I DO NOT THINK I HAVE MORE MALE FRIENDS THAN I SHOULD HAVE AS WELL. I HAVE NO ABILITY TO CONTROL WHETHER SOMEONE LIKES ME OR NOT, AND SO I SHALL NOT SEEK TO. BE IT YOU ARE A BOY OR A GIRL, YOUR LIKING OR DISLIKING TOWARDS ME, TO ME, IS ALL THE SAME.

So there. hope this will shut some people up.

When it's over..

That's the time you fall in love again.. or rather.. deeper in love.

I officially left Adam on Sat. And I never gave it much thought, even when he wanted the 'closure' of a face to face good bye, until today when I managed to convince him that there's no need for good bye since we never had been together and he had never been mine.

Essentially, I didn't want to say good bye to him face to face because I know it wouldn't work, and he knows that it'll work to his advantage. The vicious cycle had already repeated itself far too many times.. I cannot let it happen again.

'You are much wiser than your age would suggest and one of the reasons we get on so well. If this is truely what you want than I will let go. But i hope you never regret what we had and do think of me fondly as i think of you. You will be surely missed and i am sure you will end up with a wonderful guy because you deserve it. :-*'

Seriously speaking.. that was the only message he had ever sent me that felt like he had placed heart in composing it. The 1st time I felt that he was really saying what he meant/felt. And I am glad. And for the 1st time since sat, I cried for him again. He is gone and never will be mine again.

And so, I bid farewell to a love that's not mine. I will still love him.. I know. For a very very long time.. Hopefully he'll be happier without me around to kaypo and ley chey him. And he'll all the fun he wanted.

When certain things are done with the consequences in mind. It shows how much one cares.

I know what you have done. How did you think you'd escape my eyes. Every sentence you speak, every question you ask. I already knew the answer right from the start. You did what you did. I even reminded you before you started it. And so you'll have to pay for it. I sure hope you really liked it. Coz you won't like this. Not this bit.

Hell's fire is burning.
Heaven is out of reach.
I'll do what I wish.
And you'll pay for what you did.
The sun and the storms will merge as one..
The seas without the beach.
I'll thrive without you
And your selfish pitch.
I will not leave, I want to see you suffer.
Even if I love you
It doesn't really matter

Why fit me into this mess?

Okie, he is an arse.

If all you want is to date. Fine. I'll date with you.
You want to mess up my life? I'll mess with yours.
You want to be an arse. I'll be an arse with you.

No more heart felt emotions. I'll be as politically correct as you are.

Quisy feeling

My stomach have been feeling very weird lately.. Not much appetite in anything. And everytime I feel that way I'll need to take deep breaths to make it feel just a little better before the feeling comes back again. I don't know how much of this excruciating pain I can endure. How many times I'll have to go through this before I turn numb. And when I turn numb, does it matter anymore? Probably there'd be no point in continuing when that happens.

The only way I can make myself feel better is by knowing more people. I need emotional support now more then ever. And hopefully it'll help in the process of leaving as well. I can't think straight now. Nothing logical is registering, but my heart has sank. And so I'm like an empty shell. Empty yet full. Full with sorrows. Emptied of love.

Turning back time.

Yesterday must have been the worst day of my life. No one would have been able to imagine the helplessness I experienced, how upset I was and how empty yet heavy my heart felt. So many things happened yesterday. And nothing turned out right. I'll not be forgiven. I feel like I've let myself down and no one is willing to step in my shoes. He didn't even try to understand. I guess I only serve to destroy in this world. I wonder when will I start destroying myself.
Ham ham is blind in her left eye. The vet says it's probably due to that something irritated her eye and caused her to start scratching until the eye got injured. Or, it may be genetic... But I feel it's largely due to my negligence. If it was the former, I could have brought her to the vet earlier had I noticed the unusual scratching. Even If it was genetic I should have noticed the changes much sooner than this. Almost wanted to cry at the clinic. And cried while I was on the taxi. I'm really very sorry...
The other thing. It was a disaster. I probably shouldn't have insisted on meeting. But I was feeling so down I was hoping for some comforting. Guess I was just being silly. What kind of comforting was I looking for? No body wants to give but only to recieve. All I recieved was a cold shoulder and was made to feel so bad that I had to apologize and try to make up for it instead.
Plans? ya. I made alot of very nice plans. but what's the point? the heart is not there any more. I'm upset. Making you upset. Making me even more upset and you actually made a person that upset feel like there's a need to cheer you up? how successful is that going to be? It only served to make me even even more upset I think.
I guess all the talk about truthfulness and promises are only valid when there's no need for it. Humans are selfish. Am I? perhaps. I guess being selfish in different ways meant different things too. Is your selfishness only for yourself? or is it something that was inclusive? So many things up in my head last night that I couldn't even close my eyes. Coz the moment I close my eyes the heart would sink, and thoughts of you leaving would appear. I only managed to sleep for the 1 1/2hrs I dreamt that we were happy again. Choices are when life is smooth sailing I guess.. But emotions are not by choice are they?
Like the many times I cry for love. I wish it'd stop. I wouldn't have cried if I hadn't loved. And I guess I wouldn't have known if I hadn't cried. But this is far too many times.

ham ham is sick!

she's got an eye infection... I don't know if she's going to go blind. I haven't brought her to the vet yet. but I called and asked.. and the vet thinks it's probably an ulcer or infection in the eye.

It looked so scary!! her eye lid looked like it was flipped upwards and the eye couldn't open. And when it opened up, the eye was of a funny dusty brown colour instead of the usual black... freaked me out. I can only bring her to the vet later when the vet reopens... I hope it's not as bad as I think it is..

Try harder next time

Late nights thinking
So many nights of dreaming
So many times I try
To let go, to let go

I was meant to be something
Something more than nothing
And I try
To let go, to let go

And so I wish that you can see me now
And so I wish that you will hear me out
oo wo ho.. oo wo ho..
You're not here

You're not here
You're not here at all..

So many things up in my mind
So many images of you
The way you make me smile
And the way you make me cry..

And so I wish that you can see me now
And so I wish that you will hear me out
oo wo ho.. oo wo ho..
You're not here

I was meant to be something

Something more than nothing

And I try

To let go, to let go

Diary

I flipped open my diary
Inside it's filled with you
You hated being left alone
Was used to being waited upon
And look for me only when you were alone

I saw the emotions I noted
And put myself above inferiority
I've waited for too long
Tears flow as I think of you
What is happiness and joy?

Loving till it hurts
So painful that I cried
So tired of crying
Yet the pages won't change

Inscripted with your deeds
Like an addiction
It kept me falling

Loving till it hurts
So painful that I cried
So tired of crying
Yet my ego contradicts itself

Persuade myself to say good bye
Close my eyes and let you go
Perhaps I should
Burn the diary and start all over.

Perhaps the Mandarin speaking ones would know where this came from. Badly translated by Miss Goh here though.. LOL

Is casino for Singapore?

Well, my friend and I sparked off an email debate on whether Singapore should allow casinos or not. His stand was that we shouldn't, it's not worth the economic benefits, and I'll only serve to promote social ills.

And of coz, being me, I supported the idea of having casinos in Singapore. I simply don't see why not? Essentially, I feel that gambling is just a form of entertainment. And just as Singapore would allow for sentosa and Escape theme park to be built. I don't see why casinos should be different. Afterall, it's not like we won't gamble if there weren't a casino.

Of coz, I do not support gambling in a fanatic way. Hoping to strike it rich through this, like what my dad always say, 'lucky more than smart' manner. It is very much impossible.. most people fail anyway, and I do not deem it even worth trying. But as far as I'm concerned, gambling is just for pleasure.

And it's not the least like drugs!! The thing about drugs is that, they are 'entertainment' ,yes, but are they good for health/have any benefits to human at all? no. drugs are not only purely for entertainment when misused, they also have a tonne of negative effects on people.

I think it'd make more sense for the people of singapore to teach our future generations that gambling is not the way to wealth then to ban it. I'm not coming from the 'good for economy' point of view, but rather, every year people choke on food and die,does it mean we should ban eating?

Singaporeans have been far too pampered, life should not be that you do things because you were told you can do it, but to have the ability to evaluate and think through whether it's worth doin and how much of it should be done. to the simpliest example, if you were given an unlimited amount of your favourite food. Should you stuff your face and eat till you vomit? or should you just have enough of it to make you satisfied? Now, the government is like the chef. He serves us only a small serving of the food each time, making it much easier for us to determine what is 'enough' and what a 'serving' should be like. but that is not good! the world is like a buffet. how much can we,individual humans, depend on some other individual human being?? we are essentially the same, but very different in every sense! I personally would not like to think my life is dependent on another person, and that my decisions are influenced by a large yet relatively unimportant(in this case) and non-personal group of people.

And as for Homos wise, I don't think all other religions than thais are against it. I believe buddhists hold a neutral point of view. Afterall Buddhism itself kindda thinks that everything boils down to nothing. but I don't really think this is a religious issue to start with. What ever it is,it's not as if it's a trend, or people decided that they wanted to be homos. it has been there for thousands of years, and as they weren't trying to be different and were born with their preferences, it's probably a natural thing. and i don't see the point of defying nature.not like human race will die out, i just view them as defects of god's creation. btw, I really don't quite believe in christianity. so I don't really care what they say. they are extreme towards 'people who are going to hell' and so I'll be extreme towards them too.

Can you feel a painful soul?

A million stars.
A million ways to look at them.
If only you know how much they use to make me smile.
If only you know that they wet the bed I sleep in now.

With tears.

With tears I learn.
I was naive and giving.
I was silly and forgiving.
I was in love.

In love?

In love with nothing but a lie.
With no one.
For I'm nothing but the smokes in the skies.

I'll leave no traces even if I tried.

So how could I have loved?
I couldn't even try.
You wouldn't feel it even if you'd like.

And you wouldn't, coz you are cold as ice.

And you wouldn't
You already made up your mind.

Genting Trip!!

Yap, went to genting highlands with my parents for the long week end. my dad only stayed for a night though. He had to join his Hainanese clan members for the penang trip. :<

But anyway. I went clubbing for both the nights. One with a friend, and the other by myself, since I made friends the 1st night, and agreed to go again the 2nd night just to meet up and have a drink.

The trips were very fun, other than that I had to sneak out at 2am for both nights as our hotel wasn't anywhere near the disco at all.. about a 10-15 min walk..

Got to know 2 russians who were originally Italiens.. Gary and Frank. They are cousins and their dads ran a business together.. amazing rich from what they say. but it's hard to decide whether they are just making up stories. Anyway, they were very nice. Frank is younger and cuter. haha.. :P he was what caught my friend and my eyes initially actually. But it was Gary that came over and made friends. Quite funny, coz he came over and asked me for a dance. And just as I agreed, the music changed from slow to techno.. haha.LOL. well, he was quite a gentlement, unfortunately though, he looks like a mafia.. haha :P

Anyway, so he introduced us to his cousin and some other friends they made while they were there.. We even went Karaoke-ing after the club closed.. until 4.. haha..well, which explains why I only went to bed about 7am for both nights.

The next day though, my friend had to go down from genting to go to penang with my dad and his friends, so I went alone. made some friends, went back to the hotel, came out at 2, and found my russian friends! haha... was rather happy. But found it rather awkward if I were to just go up and say hi. (wouldn't want them to know I went about looking for them..) especially when there was a malay girl hanging around them as well..actually more around frank than around Gary. So I made a tactful move and eventually found myself talking to them and all again.

So, just as the night before, we left only after the disco closed.. and went for supper after a heart stopping 10-15 mins where I thought I lost my phone..

so it was Gary, Frank, DJ, DJ's wife, Malay girl and me. went for burger king as it was the only place still open for decent food. and after that we went to a coffe shop kindda place and had some more drinks. I had 7up though... never liked beer. We actually stayed up all the way till 6!! amazing.. haha... poor Gary has been tired for the whole day, yet sweetly agreed to accompany me.. :P touched.. haha.. Did I say he looks like a mafia though? haha..

Anyway. lets talk alittle more about this Gary guy. He is cute, not in a conventional way, but still cute.. well, I guess, not many ppl will relate MAFIA to CUTE though.. :P in any case, one thing I find very adorable about him is that he is such a straight forward and says what's on his mind kindda guy. alittle extreme in certain sense.. very anti communist. But adorable in his own way. I found it absolutely amusing the way he said that "bulgaria is fucking ugly." and " I hate whores" I mean.. okie.. he might sound alittle violent under my discription. But really, he meant it from the heart, kindda in a kiddish, spoilt way. He is the only child after all.

We had fun having nice conversations and making little playful jokes. and then suddenly he said that I am a smart and innocent girl. haha.. weird. Well, people say I'm smart sometimes when I make them feel that way by saying something interesting or clever. But this time, I didn't really do anything, and when I asked him what made him think I'm smart, he simply said that he can see it. oh well. No harm boosting my self- esteem alittle.. quite desperately need some since I've been rather depressed lately regarding certain issues.

They say that the next time they have to do transit in Singapore, they'll make it a stay instead. Which is great! I can't wait to see them again! (My friend is dying to see Frank again actually.. hahaa)

Why can't we just be friends?

Things will never be the same again.

Trust.

Yap. That's what I'm feeling atleast. Well, it's a big, no, Huge step for me. I don't know why, but I find it hard to trust my lovers, if not, actually anybody else but myself. And now I'm putting in trust on him.

I no longer hold suspicions on him, and ask him questions that I use to ask. I sure damn hope he won't betray it. But he hasn't called, or even msged.. and now i miss him so..

'So when shall we meet again? Wed night?'
'You've got stuff on tonight?'
'Yes. You didn't tell me you were free tonight, and I thought you'd want more time with your parents'
'Well, I didn't tell you I was free last night either. So you made plans long before, don't make up excuses. I'll meet you tmr night then.'
'ok :P'

And it ended without my usual grilling of "Dating with some other girls again issit??" and now I'm in a sort a depression.. a mild one.. it's the kind of feeling of helplessness and unease, it's the feeling of my low self esteem fighting with my ability to give trust. It feels horrible..

We established trust. And I think I should keep to it.. but it's so hard to do.. and I really do feel bad... haiz.. Well, we never said we were exclusive to start with. but I'm in love..

And I really do love him. every part of him. Every gesture, every look...And I miss him all the time.. I can't help it but feel annoyed by myself sometimes.. I probably wouldn't love a lover like myself.

And so here I am sitting..
For I trust for fate to be.
And while I fight to keep this peace
I hope for peace in me.

Meng (dream)

yun yu yu chu ming
kong niao si qian yi
yu wang ke ren lai
you kong ke ren qu

falling ill...

A little pain in the throat

too much sambal, fried food and sweet drinks, not enough sleep..... haiz.. I miss sleeping through the day..

BTT

hahaha... Will I be able to make it? Will I be the 1st person in the history of mankind to actually FAIL BTT?! I certainly hope not! results will only be out in about 4 days time. they should really set up the test on the computers so that the results can be calculated instantly. more efficient and makes more sense, since the questions are always the same anyway...

So.. I'll only know how i fair about fri? can't wait for advance theory... WHO HAVE THE ADVANCE THEORY TEST BOOK?? I NEED TO BORROW~~

haha.. my basic theory test is tmr~! and i haven't even bought the text book.. whahahaa~~~ siao liao..

stress.. keep feeling like pooing.. but too lazy to go out... :P nan dao zhen de shi, lan ren shi niao duo? opps.

well, I better go get the book... wa la wa la~~

Happy!

B will be coming back today! :P miss him so. can't wait to see him.

last night didn't sleep well... stupid chow chow.. yawnz.. gonna go for french lessons soon... stupid chow chow.. stupid pigster... haiz.. pigster....

Website of dive school.

http://www.leeway.com.sg/

This is the website of the dive school that will be conducting the dive course I was talking about.

Slave, I know you very problematic one.Got alot of questions to ask... If there are still questions try email/tag coz my sms Inbox auto clears msges after sometime.

The long awaited photos of Hainan~

http://www.ofoto.com/BrowsePhotos.jsp?showSlide=true&Uc=141k45fq.n0d1ueu&Uy=-3lggzk&Ux=0

have fun~

Home

So many things...

FUNNY!!

http://rainbow.arch.scriptmania.com/rainbow_tv_episode.html

There's a transcript just below the tv. So read that instead if the sound is a little too distorted.

At 'xiao dong tian'. of coz i'd have to take this picture.. it's far too tempting.. :P There's supposed to be a route under the big rock and out at the side actually.. but I think ppl somehow managed to think of making it into a big toilet... the smell of pee is so strong inside.. it's disgusting.. I'd suggest staying outside.. 

I am a rock, I am an Island!

Rocks feel no pain and Islands don't cry...

Sweet.

Clean white sheets with the most delicate embroidery.

Taking time out and not getting angry with me.

Kisses in the morning.

Hugs in the Evening.

Can't wait to see you every day, every minute, every second... I'd willingly give you my soul.

Finally you are opening up to me. Having more patience. And always finding ways to make me smile.

Yes, if you are wondering. And if you understand what I'm saying.

And I'm having the time of my life. Having the ability to look at the Skies and simply smile knowing there's someone out there worth me smiling at.

Gone with the wind.

I was looking for my neverland when I found an oak tree that was wise and charming. I fell in love with him as he sheltered me and showered me with leaves of love. I built myself a nice little tree house right between the branches, and nailed the ladder to the trunk. I harmed him without knowing as the nails rust.

And now, as the sun rose, I peered though the leaves. There was the path where I meant to continue walking. In search for my neverland. I have stopped and relied on this oak tree for too long.

Was it really love?

Or was it just dependence?

I've decided that it was a stop, and not the destination. And so I'm packing my bags and taking apart the tree house.

I'm sorry to have left you scars, but I'll have to continue my journey now.

Where's my neverland?

Back from Hainan~!

With 2kgs of, probably, fats more. And a severe lack of sleep.

It was fun none the less.. I got really vain after I got there.. coz things there are simply sooooo cheap!!! I'll post some pictures up later..

i was so upset before i left though.. coz i lost my digital cam.. sobz... i only just got it as a present before i left for england...and there were pictures that I wanted inside as well... I was so sad... still am actually.

well, anyway. Hainan was alright. a little too much of the 'shopping' though i think... they brought us to diamond dealers, pearl dealers, precious gems dealers.. bleah bleah.. wha lao.. spend money and waste time only loh..

the last 2 days were kindda more fun though. had more cultural and historical visits. like visiting the different tribes and observing their lifestyle(though largely staged..but still better then nothing i guess). and visited the old house of Su Dong Bo. And also the tomb of Rui Hai, the most looked upon official in Hainan throughout their history. Apparently he did money laundering so as to get money to built roads for Hainan.. kindda like robin hood?

We also visited the tropical plants garden.. and some other nice places which i can feel my tired brain refusing to recall now.

We played with fireworks.. so much of it. And they were not just the normal fireworks.. they were the national day kind. really big and super nice.. we actually bought fireworks that added up to 1600rmb.. which was scary.. haha.. the big(national-day like ones) looked like Iraqi missile launchers. :P

The plane got delayed when we were coming back yesterday night though. it should have been a 2300 flight.. but it got delayed to 2350. and we only got home around 6. The view on the night flight was unbelievably nice.. most people would think night flights have no view at all and everything outside the plane would be pitch black. but they are so wrong.. I woke up in the middle of the night and looked out.. the view was the most incredible one i've ever seen in my life. and probably might just be the nicest i'd ever get to see in my lifetime.

the skies were covered with stars. Constellations of all sorts and all with different brightness from near and far. It was amazing. One can even see the gas patches, which is normally only possible with a relatively good telescope, with our naked eyes. I guess it's due to that we are far away from the light sources from the ground. Making the skies darker then ever and we nearer than ever to. And the best part was that there were no clouds or minimal clouds(which were all below the plane anyway) which made the skies look bigger then ever. It was as though I was on a space ship rather than a plane, as though I could see another galaxy. And just to make the view even more stunning.. while we were flying across Thailand and Laos, the lights from the ground were clearly visible as well(no clouds at all!).. So the lands were lite by the orangy lights and fire, and the skies were covered in little white diamonds. Absolutely amazing.

I tried to take some pictures of it.. but it didn't quite work. too little exposure and too small I guess.. I'll upload them to my com still though and see if it's visible on a bigger screen.

That's all for now. I'll upload the pics some other time!! chao~

work work work

was calculating my total hours and total pay yesterday.. actually not that much.. but i suppose it's alright for my 'first paying job' might just add up to $1000+ bucks by the end of it.. which would be nice..hehee.. will have to set aside some money to bring my parents out for a nice dinner! :P

well, today is rest day, that's y i've got the time and all to contribute to my blog. otherwise, I've been bz either with sleeping or with working.. i haven't really been home anyway.. coz the new work place is at bugis, rochor center.. so i figured it'd make a little bit more sense to stay at my friend's place for the time being.. can get more sleep, and less travelling.. other then my dad's driving.. i get sick almost in anyother vehicle.

job wise.. rochor is kindda boring.. not many ppl. and dun really have to promote much.. but it's always fun coz the tiger and carlsberg promoters there are very chatty and nice and fun to be with. And I even got the chance to take my 1st ride on a 'xiao mien yang' aka scooter yesterday coz carlsberg has got one. ;P

tiger is a very hard working girl.. has got like 2 jobs now. and hoping to look for some more after this CNY job is over.. probably me too..

and.. haha.. sorry Mr seah.. :P i didn't go to the mime thing again.. coz of work lah.. ;P and then.. since there are only a few sessions left.. probably i'll go when the next 'season' starts? *procrastination... no good.. should try to change the habit.. but.. haha.. next time lah..* ^_^

So many things!!!

Ever since I started work, every day has been a totally new and absolutely exciting experience... not including the times where I'm just boringly stand by the beer counter with no one passing by at all though.

Otherwise, people simply makes me happy. It's fun to look and get to interact with them generally. Some are real pricks and one managed to make me cry today.. It's hard being nice sometimes.. I'll tell you more later.

Anyway, everyday has been so happening. I got praised on my sales by the General Sales Manager of APB while I was at bedok NTUC. And in his exact words.

"You are the best I've seen so far"

Ofcoz that may mean everyone else is just below average, but I'd like to think I really did well.

And I managed to catch a thief(not a particularly clever one). He tried to steal 2 cartons of Guinness from my counter and took off after exiting from the exit from right beside my counter... 1stly, to exit from right under my nose and expect me to not see?! I wasn't praised for being alert for nothing okie! 2ndly, 2 CARTONS OF GUINESS?!!! That is 48 cans of stout,for the benefit of those who don't know what's a carton, being carried by one person who is trying to escape unnoticed.... how smart is that? How the Hell did he think he would be able to run carrying 2 cartons of beer? duno what was going through his mind. anyway, he is probably thinking of the same thing now with the police by his side? haha.. handed him over to the police. Some police came over and took my statement as well!! how exciting was that! hehe.. now the ppl at Clementi NTUC calls me hero. :P

And i also got to know several ppl who were very nice. Kelvin from Jurong NTUC was soooo nice! he even came down to clementi to have dinner with me coz it was too boring at jurong being the only APB promoter there! :>
I also got to know a 'fortune teller' who sold carlsberg. He said that my luck for 2005 is good. I'd certainly hope so! need money.. need money...

And as for today, got one stinky no good auntie came and look at Tiger. So I promoted the beer to her lah! then she complain say yesterday she came to buy and bought 2 10s but there wasn't anyone there to tell her about the free gifts and so she didn't get any. You see, the rule is that, if there isn't a promoter at the point of buying, no free gifts will be promised. Well, being me(I don't really care about the rule, not like it's my own business) so long that you can produce prove of purchase I'd gladly give you the gifts as well! So I asked her if she's got the receipt, if she does I can still give her the gift. And when I gave her the egg, she didn't look happy coz she liked the cards more. So I let her choose if she wants 2 packs of cards or a golden egg. Her son liked the egg more. So I made an offer, I offered to give her a pack of cards for free if she buys a pack of 6s(normally cards are only given if a 10s/2x6s is bought) and she agreed. then after that, when she went to pay, she made a big fuss with the cashier and made it look as if I did not give her anything at all!!! And then the cashier came over to ask me to give her another golden egg!!! How the hell am I suppose to give her a golden egg with a bloody six pack?!!?!?! and she was the one who wanted the cards to start with!!! bloody f**k*r. When I told them *nicely* that it is not possible, she asked me to give her a deck of cards. But that was exactly what we agreed on!!!! whatever, she paid and came to me to get the cards/ Scenario: my other customer just recieved his free gifts from me.. And you know what that bitch did?!

'This miss very 'niao'(aka stingy) one. Don't buy from her. The other boy promoter is better. She very 'niao'. '

What the f-ing f-er does she think she is! and to think I was actually trying to be nice and gave her an offer so that she can get what she wanted without having to pay as much as any other person. It's like I've been known for being nice, and tries to give my customers what they want most of the time with as low a price to pay as possible. And this bitch comes along and not only tell me but also tell my other customer that I AM 'NIAO'?! who the f is 'niao' now??!! huh?!?! the one who is accusing me for being niao because she didn't get a golden egg by buying only 6 cans of beer or the one who offered to give the free gift since the customer seemed to like it so much?!

Angry...

anyway, good thing there are nice ppl/stuff in the NTUC. cheered me up... was quite a scene when I teared.. not my fault... I was feeling very much maligned. Still am actually.. anyway.. should stop thinking about bitches. angrifying.

Well, the last event was the most recent(today) so I had the a fresh memory of it. thus was pretty detailed.. :P would have written on something more merry if i could, but still feeling mentally unbalanced now.. better go sleep.. good night~

I've got a personality disorder!!!!

Disorder Rating

Paranoid: Low

Schizoid: Low

Schizotypal: Moderate

Antisocial: Moderate

Borderline: Low

Histrionic: Moderate

Narcissistic: Low

Avoidant: Low

Dependent: Low

Obsessive-Compulsive: High

Happiness

is when one is loved? Or when one loves?

A topic to ponder.

Most of my friends would choose to be loved over loving. To them, it would feel more torturous to love someone who doesn't love them the same way than to be loved by someone they don't. It is understandable. Everyone have different needs when it comes to relationships I suppose. May be that I am masochistic,but I'd choose to be with someone whom I love than to be with one whom I don't. The reason is simple. I think it'd be torturous to not be loved the same amount back, but it'd be worst if I were to be constantly in guilt for not loving someone as much as I should. And the world would be dark and gloomy with someone whom I have limited love for, whilst every little thing that the person I love does would brighten my day and make life worth living for.

Some would try and learn to love the person back. But this is far too unknown for me. What if I find that I can't love the person back? What if after years and years of trying, I'm still not 'there'? The fact is, rejection IS the best form of attraction. The biggest fish will always be the one who snapped your line and got away. And life will be a misery being with someone whom you know will always be there, but only serve to make you feel more guilty everyday. I'd rather be the one who gives than the one who receives.

Ideally though, everyone should only be with someone whom they love and be loved by the same person. What can I say, the world is far from Ideal. And too many people had made too many wrong choices with regards to what kind of love they want and can endure. I'm not sure if what I believe in is correct, or even rational. But love is just such an irrational thing that even the most sophisicated scientific machine cannot rationalise. Where no art can justify. And no man can(and probably will ever) understand fully.

So, maybe I should just lift my hands up and surrender to love. Let me float like the leaves in the wind, and probably love will decide where I should be eventually.

But can anyone explain this strong wish from within to be with thee...

Pain... Pain...

My feet feels as if it's falling apart.... it's at times like these I'd wished I were slimmer... haiz... The promoter job is really not as easy as it seems.. coz have to stand for the whole freaking time which is equivalent to 9 hrs... Man.... I think i'll wear my mom's sandels next time.. more comfy.

For those who are interested~ I went for the photoshoot on sat~~!! hehee.. took like a tonne of photos... they say they'll burn all my pics into a cd for me to keep. :P I'll put some up if they are nice.. :P Had make up so thick, it's as though I'm going on a stage for acting. but under the flash and all.. actually it looked almost like it wasn't there.. so actually, modeling IS kindda like acting.. i kindda feel that being in Drama kindda conditioned me for these kindda things.. coz even when the make up artist had the light shining directly at my face, I didn't really feel uncomfortable. The lights felt far less intense then the blinding stage lights..

So, now it's up to luck.. if there are clients that choose me.. great! if not... then nothing I can do also... So, wish me luck!!

Starting work on Sun!

Okie, my Guinness promoter job will start on Sun at Turf City Giant. So, all who fancy buying some Guinness and helping me boost my sales record... hehe.... you know what to do lah.. :P

My working hours for Sun(for the rest of the holiday I'm not sure where I'll be yet, this is just temporary) :
12-10 pm

for other days is 5-10 I think. The agency seems to be quite badly organized though... Everything seems rather messed up.

Meanwhile, I'll be going for a photo shoot on Sat. Free lance modeling~~ hehee... hopefully i'm not too fat... Asked a friend to accompany me, no way am I going to go to some Ulu lulu studio at Loyang by myself. So, hope all is well for that one. What's good about it is that I won't have to pay for anything.. hehee... I'll ask if I can choose which photos to keep and which ones to delet when I'm there..

BTW, is Xmac Mr Seah? Sorry, but I don't think I've got your email add actually... Think I'll only be able to commit into theater after CNY now.. due to the job and all.. but still, planning for the future.. hehee... do tell me more about the evening mime course (free?) and if there are any theater works coming up a little later. Thanks!

2nd Arsenal game! At highbury~~ won 2-0 hehe..  

The O'Briens!! And a yummy Christmas turkey in the foreground... hehee.. I would love to take this opportunity to thank the O'Briens for their hospitality, and all the good food and good drinks they provided for me during my stay. Loved every meal that Mrs O'Brien cooked. yum! 

Buskers in the Underground 

This is taken from the top of St. Paul's. you can see the eye(big wheel) from the pic. and alot more if you take a stroll around. The whole city view was fantastic! but the climbing up was hell... must have been almost 700 steps altogether..I hated going up on stairs.. I like going down more.. haha.. But it was definitely worth it. And the inside of the Cathedral was like.. GOSH.. It's amazing. Huge and very very pretty. Gold lining and all... and the paintings on the ceilings were simply astonishing. Really an eye opener. 

More pictures of Beautiful Cambridge. It's really Big and very nice. It's a pity i didn't get to meet any one marks our scripts though.. hahaa... The pictures I took can not do much justice to the actualy size of the campus. And there are buildings that are on the opposite street but belongs to the school as well. and there's even a big church thingy(I'm still not very good about differentiating a church, a cathedral and a whatever.. at all) which belongs to the school with statues of Newton and many other famous ppl who graduated from there.

Cambridge! Do I look like Song Meiling or what? 

In the park behind the O'Briens' house. Very sunny day, setting off for Cambridge! 

One of my favourite pictures taken in the trip. Taken while on the way to portsmouth stadium for the game! Arsenal rox~ 

At dork yard portsmouth!! the Back ground looks almost like a painting. 

Beer Girl?

Yap, I went for a job interview yesterday. and it turned out more like an on-the-spot-training that lasted for 3hrs. faint~

And so, i'll be working for Singapore's largest beer company. And selling the world's no. 1 stout. and i'll be wearing a dress that's suppose to look class, it's kindda like a chiong sum kindda dress. but shorter and sleeveless. well, the good thing is i'll be working in supermarts. so the chances of being 'tiao xi' is low. i hope. but i think it might be rather cold in the marts. I haven't got the chance to try on the dress yet. will be doing that tmr.. if it's too much, i'll request for polo tee and jeans i guess. ;P

mean while, i'm still looking out for modeling jobs and theater productions or what so ever.. so if any of you my readers can help, or have any of such contacts, it'd be deeply appreciated. and a big thank you to you 1st!

At Changi International Airport. Going to check in soon! England here I come!! 

Rolling back to Singapore like a Ball

Literally.

SO I am back from my not-so-little trip to Europe.

That was almost 3 days ago now. And to say the truth... I do miss England. I like it there, even the most unwelcomed feature, the weather, was kindda like what I like the most.

As some of you may know now. I lived in an English friend's house during my stay. And had the chance to have lots of home cooked food, which i think is a blessing. I was told by far more than one person that English food or rather food in London is like Cr*p. Even the 'How to be a Brit' (kindda like the singapore's ' how to be a singaporean' book) book featured that as one of the most renound features of England, together with their weather, love for pets, and almost absurd politness.

The whole holiday lasted for 17 days. And we spent the 1st week doing sight seeing mostly around London before going to Hythe and then France, and then London again.. Leister square, St. Pauls, China Town, National gallary, Natural History Museum, Chinese food, Cambridge, and watched some 3 Arsenal matches in Portsmouth, Charlton and Highbury, not forgetting Montreuil and Calai in France and St. Mary's Bay on the way back. Every one of these places took a part of me with them, and gave me a piece of beautiful memory to keep.

In this holiday.. I drank more wine then I had for the past 19years of my life(man i'm getting old). Met more new people then I have done for the past 3 years. And had more meat then I thought I'd ever have.. Their family is really a no carb, minimal veg family.

But nonetheless, I enjoyed myself greatly.
I will put up some pictures and together with them more detailed stories of my trip!