Yesterday must have been the worst day of my life. No one would have been able to imagine the helplessness I experienced, how upset I was and how empty yet heavy my heart felt. So many things happened yesterday. And nothing turned out right. I'll not be forgiven. I feel like I've let myself down and no one is willing to step in my shoes. He didn't even try to understand. I guess I only serve to destroy in this world. I wonder when will I start destroying myself.
Ham ham is blind in her left eye. The vet says it's probably due to that something irritated her eye and caused her to start scratching until the eye got injured. Or, it may be genetic... But I feel it's largely due to my negligence. If it was the former, I could have brought her to the vet earlier had I noticed the unusual scratching. Even If it was genetic I should have noticed the changes much sooner than this. Almost wanted to cry at the clinic. And cried while I was on the taxi. I'm really very sorry...
The other thing. It was a disaster. I probably shouldn't have insisted on meeting. But I was feeling so down I was hoping for some comforting. Guess I was just being silly. What kind of comforting was I looking for? No body wants to give but only to recieve. All I recieved was a cold shoulder and was made to feel so bad that I had to apologize and try to make up for it instead.
Plans? ya. I made alot of very nice plans. but what's the point? the heart is not there any more. I'm upset. Making you upset. Making me even more upset and you actually made a person that upset feel like there's a need to cheer you up? how successful is that going to be? It only served to make me even even more upset I think.
I guess all the talk about truthfulness and promises are only valid when there's no need for it. Humans are selfish. Am I? perhaps. I guess being selfish in different ways meant different things too. Is your selfishness only for yourself? or is it something that was inclusive? So many things up in my head last night that I couldn't even close my eyes. Coz the moment I close my eyes the heart would sink, and thoughts of you leaving would appear. I only managed to sleep for the 1 1/2hrs I dreamt that we were happy again. Choices are when life is smooth sailing I guess.. But emotions are not by choice are they?
Like the many times I cry for love. I wish it'd stop. I wouldn't have cried if I hadn't loved. And I guess I wouldn't have known if I hadn't cried. But this is far too many times.
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