Trust.

Yap. That's what I'm feeling atleast. Well, it's a big, no, Huge step for me. I don't know why, but I find it hard to trust my lovers, if not, actually anybody else but myself. And now I'm putting in trust on him.

I no longer hold suspicions on him, and ask him questions that I use to ask. I sure damn hope he won't betray it. But he hasn't called, or even msged.. and now i miss him so..

'So when shall we meet again? Wed night?'
'You've got stuff on tonight?'
'Yes. You didn't tell me you were free tonight, and I thought you'd want more time with your parents'
'Well, I didn't tell you I was free last night either. So you made plans long before, don't make up excuses. I'll meet you tmr night then.'
'ok :P'

And it ended without my usual grilling of "Dating with some other girls again issit??" and now I'm in a sort a depression.. a mild one.. it's the kind of feeling of helplessness and unease, it's the feeling of my low self esteem fighting with my ability to give trust. It feels horrible..

We established trust. And I think I should keep to it.. but it's so hard to do.. and I really do feel bad... haiz.. Well, we never said we were exclusive to start with. but I'm in love..

And I really do love him. every part of him. Every gesture, every look...And I miss him all the time.. I can't help it but feel annoyed by myself sometimes.. I probably wouldn't love a lover like myself.

And so here I am sitting..
For I trust for fate to be.
And while I fight to keep this peace
I hope for peace in me.