feeling sick

i'm feeling very sick now..
did i tell anyone i only had one freaking meal yesterday? and it was half a bowl of instant noodles.. nope i'm not on anysort of crazy diet. but i kindda just didn't feel hungry and time seemed to have slipped past without me knowing at all..

I made a big decision yesterday. one that i cannot regret.. but i am. damn. i hate it when this happens. anyway i was really silly, and now i am very upset. *takes big breathe* i'll just have to live with this for the time being i guess.. and hopefully i'll be fine in a while.

meanwhile, i should really devote a larger portion of my time into studying.. i really should.. but.. hahaa.. you know me. i'd rather devote my time in stupid things and watching southpark. ;P

I think i'm really silly when it comes to love. I seem to live in fantasy, where every person i loved i'd wish it'd be happily every after, i'd dream of marrying them and stuff.. but of coz, uptil now none of the dreams came even close to coming true. I love whole heartedly and stupidly if one might say. and would do almost anything for the person. haiz.. then end up.. think the kind of love i've been looking for and probably still looking for is like a kind of fairy tale love. where everything has to be close to perfect. I tend to think totally emotionally when it comes to guys i like.. and nothing logical registers.. atleast during the start of everything.. then.. everything falls apart when my logical self finds his way back to me. notice i used 'his' while refering to my logical self? anyhow, it's not good. i tend to want to run away from the handicaps of the relationship and end up breaking up hearts, both theirs and mine. and one would think such a scarred heart wouldn't fall in love so easily anymore, but you are WRONG. so wrong. sometimes i blame it on my zodiac, my birthdate, whatever. all of those fortune telling things say i'm ruled by my heart, ruled by love. i can't seem to help but fall for ppl... especially if they fall for me... and i can't control myself but want to tell them that i like them... sucks.. don't think i'll be able to change.. i end up making myself really hurt when the relationship don't turn out the way i thought it would be. i end up feeling i did something very wrong, and in turn had to run away from it even more.. sinking myself into a state of ultimate depression and self destruction. and then i'll break away from all the worries.. which in turn breaks even more hearts. i think there's something wrong with me.. definitely.. but i can't change it. i can't control it...

whatever the fcuk... screw it.