I had some interesting conversation with B and J lately,(hmm if i ever have conversations with the two of them again mebbe i'll shorted it into BJ. hahaa... just a naughty thought.) we talked about our views on dating with multiple ppl all at the same time.
well, Mr. B apparently supports the idea of dating several persons at once, he supports his belief as he thinks he's still too young to be thinking of having a stable long term relationship(which i find is pretty saddening), and that it's the stage in his life where he thinks one should have fun, and go out with whoever makes him happy. while J pretty much find it hard to date 2 persons or more at once, he left most of the talking to me, so i don't really know the reason to why he feels that way, but he thinks it's kindda a traditional thing to him.
well, i personally think it's not wrong to date more then one person at once, but i do find that it really defeats the purpose of dating itself! I think to date is to be happy, yes, it's to have fun and make merry, but i think it won't really make one as happy having several relationships where one moderately likes everyone of them than having one relationship where he/she truely likes the person.
I think to multiple date makes one cherish the people he is dating less, and reduces the want to see the person again. this is due to that there'll always be this feeling at the back of the head that i've got other back ups anyway, and i can spend my time with some body else, holding back the emotions of the person. it thus defeats the purpose of dating itself because it would only serve to make one enjoy the freedom and the love and who would want to have any form of commitment after that? it's like after you've had the best of both worlds why would one ever want to lose one benefit just to enhance the other? most ppl(sadly i'd say the vast majority) would find it more satisfying to have the freedom AND the sense of interest in having different ppl to date with most of the time.
further more, to date different ppl/more then one just shows that you don't really like the person that much. if that's the case what's the point of dating the person at all in the 1st place? one may say that he does like the person, and does cherish the time spent with her. but that's because you have allocated a time and a space to be with that person, and you are only doing what you can to please her and vis versal within that time frame. but to love/to really like a person, there should not be such an allocation or time frame. the person would be, whether you like it or not, intentionally or unintentionally in your mind pretty much constantly or regularly. And one would not desire/find appeal in others be it physically/emotionally. but if that is not the case, it is apparent that he does not like the person he is dating as much as he probably should to continue dating her, then why continue? it does not make sense to me, and probably some who share the same view as me.
And just to add to the ridiculous way of living(to me atleast) to be intimate with everyone of the dates is even more undesirable. It's more like lust then love. and that should not be the objective of dating, or atleast not to me.
but i guess such a relationship would be possible if both the parties are holding the same belief, to play and have fun, 'enjoy' life. not commital, and just purely for company and enjoyment. as i should believe if one party is thinking of commitment and the other is just 'dating', it would be extremely hard on the committed party, as jealousy is not avoidable. and it would definitly cause hurt and pain. and such pain would only grow with time as love grows stronger if unfortunately only on one side.
that is my stand on dating. as i think to love someone whole heartedly sometimes you'll just have to give up something else, that's the point of loving. and i definitely do think that it is much more rewarding and satisfying to love and be loved whole heartedly, and see your other half happy, than to do so with moderation and feel half the commitment into the happiness of each other.
30.10.04
Visit of The Tai Tai
Went to watch a wild rice theater production last night, an unexpectedly long one with alot more content then what the production had had to give. Anyway, the whole thing lasted for 3hrs including interval, the 1st half was a stunning 1 1/2hrs! And i only got to reach home around 1230 which explains the incohesiveness and my inability to control my fingers in typing. sever lack of sleep for the past two days.
well, anyway, enough of me already, i'll talk about the show.
the visit of the tai tai was a show with quite a plot i'd say, it showed the evil face of our human race. how people can work against their conscience for the sake of money and find the 'right' reasons to perform then without feeling any sense of guilt. it was indeed quite a horrible portrayal of humans, what poverty can do to us, and what we'd do for material.(J was utterly traumatised by the thought)
The story started pretty simple, in a town, a small one, called sai tang(crap bucket), where the ppl of the town were waiting by the train station for the arrival of a woman who was once from the town itself. her name was incredibly difficult to pronounce, actually i hve difficulty even trying to remember what i sounds like now, mrs zakana...(something) oh well, i'll call her mrs z.
so she is now i think the riches woman on earth, supposedly owning half of the world, revisiting her homeground which is in a wreak and deep, and still sinking, in poverty. her arrival was greatly anticipated by the town ppl, the old friends and acquaintances and an old lover called antony who was the cause of her leaving the town. They had a great welcome waiting for her, and the woman was free to show off her wealth and ridiculous way of living. (changing husbands like clothes, doing whatever she wanted with the wealth she had, and no one dared/even wanted to defy what she wanted for the monetary rewards were high)
It was soon reveiled the real reason why she returned the this town, the town she hated so much, she wanted to have justice done. She offered a price, a billion dollars, 500 million for the town of saitang, and 500 million to be shared amoung the ppl of saitang, with but one condition, to have antony killed.
the ppl rejected quite aggressively and spoke of their morals, how they'd rather live in poverty then to have hands of blood at 1st, but were soon found to be spending future money, buying on credit and accumulating their debts, it was as though they were just waiting for someone else to kill Antony.
Meanwhile, antony being the store owner of a little provision stall,whom the ppl bought in credit too, noticed very well that everyone was buying and spending on credit, and all the other stalls allow that as well. he could feel it in the air that everyone is just waiting, inclusive of his wife, daughter and son.he became incredibly paranoid, but could not find help anywhere. eventually keeping himself locked up in his small room, spending his time pacing around all day.
after some time, he finally took out the courage to face up with his fear and face up with the wrong doings he had done. he had nice chats walking down the memory lane with mrs z, and spoke calmly of his death and afterdeath. he faced the town council calmly, and allowing them to do whatever they want after the town council court meeting. of coz, in the name of justice, the town council meeting was filled with ppl wearing silk shirts and satin dresses, the decision of death to antony was passed unanimously, and they were cruel/impatient enough to not even allow him to die at home but to die right there in the council hall after all the guests and reporters had gone for reception. Later reporting it as a tragedy of heart failure, 'of joy' they said.
the story ended with songs and dances as the town was re decorated and everyone was celebrating their wealth. it was rather saddening, how humans can just be so.. so inhuman.
the performance was generally well done, and some parts of it was rather funny, though some other parts were painful to watch especially when they were trying to 'console' antony to not worry, and there were some long draggy parts. but still, i'd recommand ppl to watch it. not that i think anyone would still want to watch it after i already wrote down the whole story. the whole thing ends on this sun which is actually tmr. with 2 performances today and 2 tmr. actually i haven't quite written down the whole damn story lah, how would it be possible to write down a 3 hr play in a short page like this? so it's still worth watching i think, cause it's the small parts that are funny.
well, anyway, enough of me already, i'll talk about the show.
the visit of the tai tai was a show with quite a plot i'd say, it showed the evil face of our human race. how people can work against their conscience for the sake of money and find the 'right' reasons to perform then without feeling any sense of guilt. it was indeed quite a horrible portrayal of humans, what poverty can do to us, and what we'd do for material.(J was utterly traumatised by the thought)
The story started pretty simple, in a town, a small one, called sai tang(crap bucket), where the ppl of the town were waiting by the train station for the arrival of a woman who was once from the town itself. her name was incredibly difficult to pronounce, actually i hve difficulty even trying to remember what i sounds like now, mrs zakana...(something) oh well, i'll call her mrs z.
so she is now i think the riches woman on earth, supposedly owning half of the world, revisiting her homeground which is in a wreak and deep, and still sinking, in poverty. her arrival was greatly anticipated by the town ppl, the old friends and acquaintances and an old lover called antony who was the cause of her leaving the town. They had a great welcome waiting for her, and the woman was free to show off her wealth and ridiculous way of living. (changing husbands like clothes, doing whatever she wanted with the wealth she had, and no one dared/even wanted to defy what she wanted for the monetary rewards were high)
It was soon reveiled the real reason why she returned the this town, the town she hated so much, she wanted to have justice done. She offered a price, a billion dollars, 500 million for the town of saitang, and 500 million to be shared amoung the ppl of saitang, with but one condition, to have antony killed.
the ppl rejected quite aggressively and spoke of their morals, how they'd rather live in poverty then to have hands of blood at 1st, but were soon found to be spending future money, buying on credit and accumulating their debts, it was as though they were just waiting for someone else to kill Antony.
Meanwhile, antony being the store owner of a little provision stall,whom the ppl bought in credit too, noticed very well that everyone was buying and spending on credit, and all the other stalls allow that as well. he could feel it in the air that everyone is just waiting, inclusive of his wife, daughter and son.he became incredibly paranoid, but could not find help anywhere. eventually keeping himself locked up in his small room, spending his time pacing around all day.
after some time, he finally took out the courage to face up with his fear and face up with the wrong doings he had done. he had nice chats walking down the memory lane with mrs z, and spoke calmly of his death and afterdeath. he faced the town council calmly, and allowing them to do whatever they want after the town council court meeting. of coz, in the name of justice, the town council meeting was filled with ppl wearing silk shirts and satin dresses, the decision of death to antony was passed unanimously, and they were cruel/impatient enough to not even allow him to die at home but to die right there in the council hall after all the guests and reporters had gone for reception. Later reporting it as a tragedy of heart failure, 'of joy' they said.
the story ended with songs and dances as the town was re decorated and everyone was celebrating their wealth. it was rather saddening, how humans can just be so.. so inhuman.
the performance was generally well done, and some parts of it was rather funny, though some other parts were painful to watch especially when they were trying to 'console' antony to not worry, and there were some long draggy parts. but still, i'd recommand ppl to watch it. not that i think anyone would still want to watch it after i already wrote down the whole story. the whole thing ends on this sun which is actually tmr. with 2 performances today and 2 tmr. actually i haven't quite written down the whole damn story lah, how would it be possible to write down a 3 hr play in a short page like this? so it's still worth watching i think, cause it's the small parts that are funny.
29.10.04
sweet caress of the sunlight
brightening up my day
though i know that some day it will rain
i still allow myself to play
bright sunshine, when will you go away?
will you come back after the rain?
but love is selfish, and i want you to stay.
even if the flowers will wither and the woods decay
I want you to be mine
to be here always.
to only make my days better
and not all they.
And so i cry and so i whine.
coz i can never make you mine.
you don't want to and you can't
and you'll have to go someday.
Go then. Go.
I'll love you still.
but i don't want your warmth.
I'd rather leave this beautiful land and look for a pasture of my own.
I'll leave, I'll go.
I can't stay with you no more.
It hurts me more then the withered flowers
It hurts me more then you know.
for love is selfish
and you must know.
if it's not selfish,
it's love no more.
and for love is selfish
and so am i
I shall make my way to a greener life
to leave you before it hurts too badly.
And may i wish and hope that might,
when i look up into the skies you'll be there
and i'll be smiling
and i'll carry this memory for life.
And may i wish and hope that might,
when you look around and find my traces
you'll be smiling
and you'll carry this memory for life.
brightening up my day
though i know that some day it will rain
i still allow myself to play
bright sunshine, when will you go away?
will you come back after the rain?
but love is selfish, and i want you to stay.
even if the flowers will wither and the woods decay
I want you to be mine
to be here always.
to only make my days better
and not all they.
And so i cry and so i whine.
coz i can never make you mine.
you don't want to and you can't
and you'll have to go someday.
Go then. Go.
I'll love you still.
but i don't want your warmth.
I'd rather leave this beautiful land and look for a pasture of my own.
I'll leave, I'll go.
I can't stay with you no more.
It hurts me more then the withered flowers
It hurts me more then you know.
for love is selfish
and you must know.
if it's not selfish,
it's love no more.
and for love is selfish
and so am i
I shall make my way to a greener life
to leave you before it hurts too badly.
And may i wish and hope that might,
when i look up into the skies you'll be there
and i'll be smiling
and i'll carry this memory for life.
And may i wish and hope that might,
when you look around and find my traces
you'll be smiling
and you'll carry this memory for life.
28.10.04
as some of you might have noticed, i've been miving some stuff from my previous blog to this one.. so the entries dated between 11-15-2003 to 10-22-2004 are all used furniture. i haven't really finished moving everything here yet. and i think the server cannot register so much information all at once.. coz my com is kindda corking up again.. and the uploading is super slow. so i'll continue some other day.
meanwhile.. Gavin. i need you to teach me/help my get a tag board on my diary too!! ASAP shouldn't be too hard i presume?
meanwhile.. Gavin. i need you to teach me/help my get a tag board on my diary too!! ASAP shouldn't be too hard i presume?
my type of love
I love you
without knowing when
or how
or why
I love you straightforwardly,
without complexities
or pride
And so I love
because I know no other way
then this
Where I does not exist
nor you
So close
that your hand on my chest
is my hand
So close
that your eyes close
as i fall asleep
without knowing when
or how
or why
I love you straightforwardly,
without complexities
or pride
And so I love
because I know no other way
then this
Where I does not exist
nor you
So close
that your hand on my chest
is my hand
So close
that your eyes close
as i fall asleep
heartbreak
If I can see what you are thinking
If I can hear your thoughts
'If'
That's one thing I can't afford
Maybe you were just playful
Maybe I mistook
'May be'
perhaps may be not
Love appeared like sunshine
Love gave me hope
'Love'
Now what is Love?
Why does it have that much to cost?
I'd gladly leave you
But I quiver at the thought
Now I wished if you could see
if you could see what's wrong
I hope I'm not too kind
to you
I hope I'm not
If I can hear your thoughts
'If'
That's one thing I can't afford
Maybe you were just playful
Maybe I mistook
'May be'
perhaps may be not
Love appeared like sunshine
Love gave me hope
'Love'
Now what is Love?
Why does it have that much to cost?
I'd gladly leave you
But I quiver at the thought
Now I wished if you could see
if you could see what's wrong
I hope I'm not too kind
to you
I hope I'm not
feeling sick
i'm feeling very sick now..
did i tell anyone i only had one freaking meal yesterday? and it was half a bowl of instant noodles.. nope i'm not on anysort of crazy diet. but i kindda just didn't feel hungry and time seemed to have slipped past without me knowing at all..
I made a big decision yesterday. one that i cannot regret.. but i am. damn. i hate it when this happens. anyway i was really silly, and now i am very upset. *takes big breathe* i'll just have to live with this for the time being i guess.. and hopefully i'll be fine in a while.
meanwhile, i should really devote a larger portion of my time into studying.. i really should.. but.. hahaa.. you know me. i'd rather devote my time in stupid things and watching southpark. ;P
I think i'm really silly when it comes to love. I seem to live in fantasy, where every person i loved i'd wish it'd be happily every after, i'd dream of marrying them and stuff.. but of coz, uptil now none of the dreams came even close to coming true. I love whole heartedly and stupidly if one might say. and would do almost anything for the person. haiz.. then end up.. think the kind of love i've been looking for and probably still looking for is like a kind of fairy tale love. where everything has to be close to perfect. I tend to think totally emotionally when it comes to guys i like.. and nothing logical registers.. atleast during the start of everything.. then.. everything falls apart when my logical self finds his way back to me. notice i used 'his' while refering to my logical self? anyhow, it's not good. i tend to want to run away from the handicaps of the relationship and end up breaking up hearts, both theirs and mine. and one would think such a scarred heart wouldn't fall in love so easily anymore, but you are WRONG. so wrong. sometimes i blame it on my zodiac, my birthdate, whatever. all of those fortune telling things say i'm ruled by my heart, ruled by love. i can't seem to help but fall for ppl... especially if they fall for me... and i can't control myself but want to tell them that i like them... sucks.. don't think i'll be able to change.. i end up making myself really hurt when the relationship don't turn out the way i thought it would be. i end up feeling i did something very wrong, and in turn had to run away from it even more.. sinking myself into a state of ultimate depression and self destruction. and then i'll break away from all the worries.. which in turn breaks even more hearts. i think there's something wrong with me.. definitely.. but i can't change it. i can't control it...
whatever the fcuk... screw it.
did i tell anyone i only had one freaking meal yesterday? and it was half a bowl of instant noodles.. nope i'm not on anysort of crazy diet. but i kindda just didn't feel hungry and time seemed to have slipped past without me knowing at all..
I made a big decision yesterday. one that i cannot regret.. but i am. damn. i hate it when this happens. anyway i was really silly, and now i am very upset. *takes big breathe* i'll just have to live with this for the time being i guess.. and hopefully i'll be fine in a while.
meanwhile, i should really devote a larger portion of my time into studying.. i really should.. but.. hahaa.. you know me. i'd rather devote my time in stupid things and watching southpark. ;P
I think i'm really silly when it comes to love. I seem to live in fantasy, where every person i loved i'd wish it'd be happily every after, i'd dream of marrying them and stuff.. but of coz, uptil now none of the dreams came even close to coming true. I love whole heartedly and stupidly if one might say. and would do almost anything for the person. haiz.. then end up.. think the kind of love i've been looking for and probably still looking for is like a kind of fairy tale love. where everything has to be close to perfect. I tend to think totally emotionally when it comes to guys i like.. and nothing logical registers.. atleast during the start of everything.. then.. everything falls apart when my logical self finds his way back to me. notice i used 'his' while refering to my logical self? anyhow, it's not good. i tend to want to run away from the handicaps of the relationship and end up breaking up hearts, both theirs and mine. and one would think such a scarred heart wouldn't fall in love so easily anymore, but you are WRONG. so wrong. sometimes i blame it on my zodiac, my birthdate, whatever. all of those fortune telling things say i'm ruled by my heart, ruled by love. i can't seem to help but fall for ppl... especially if they fall for me... and i can't control myself but want to tell them that i like them... sucks.. don't think i'll be able to change.. i end up making myself really hurt when the relationship don't turn out the way i thought it would be. i end up feeling i did something very wrong, and in turn had to run away from it even more.. sinking myself into a state of ultimate depression and self destruction. and then i'll break away from all the worries.. which in turn breaks even more hearts. i think there's something wrong with me.. definitely.. but i can't change it. i can't control it...
whatever the fcuk... screw it.
27.10.04
Open Your Eyes --- Ah Mei
open your eyes just say good bye
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Open your eyes and say good bye
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Open your eyes and say good bye
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26.10.04
Sinking
Sometimes... life simply sucks.. it seeps out your juices bit by bit.. and before you know it. you are like a walking mummy on the streets, and the worst part is, you don't even have the bandages to save the world of this unsightliness.
As usual, I feel like shit today after having a relatively good morning. It's like the aftermath of bliss.. I'm feeling sick and tired and ultimately exhausted... It's like the saying.. i've stepped into a big pool of mud, and i can't pull myself out. it's using up all my energy...
on a lighter note, the story isn't finished yet.. I've got a feeling it's going to be pretty long.. i'll continue it some other time when the mood is right.. and i'm slightly less depressed.. meanwhile, i think it is turning out okie. if any one has any comment language wise please do give me some.. i should have a 2nd opinion about what i wrote and perhaps a 3rd.
As usual, I feel like shit today after having a relatively good morning. It's like the aftermath of bliss.. I'm feeling sick and tired and ultimately exhausted... It's like the saying.. i've stepped into a big pool of mud, and i can't pull myself out. it's using up all my energy...
on a lighter note, the story isn't finished yet.. I've got a feeling it's going to be pretty long.. i'll continue it some other time when the mood is right.. and i'm slightly less depressed.. meanwhile, i think it is turning out okie. if any one has any comment language wise please do give me some.. i should have a 2nd opinion about what i wrote and perhaps a 3rd.
A little story i wrote about a girl named Elisa
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm in love with you
I hope you are too...
Elisa wrote down this little poem of approximately no originality at all on a little yellow card she made. It may not be the best poem in the world, but it is truely what she feels.
Elisa is in love with a young man, a nurse in Kimberlane hospital. He is as gentle as the morning breeze, and strong as a tree. She's never seen him before, but people who have, said he had eyes like the the moon in the river, and a smile that can make the coldest nights warm.
'Ring... Ring....'
Elisa very quickly ran to the phone from her room. Counting every step as she ran. Her brother had asked several times, but she rejected the idea of having a phone installed in her room, she finds it 'unnecessary'. She arrived at the hall and quickly reached out her hands to feel for the phone....
'Hello! This is Elisa speaking.'
'Hi! Benjamin here, how are you?'
'Oh, I'm fine really been napping the whole day. haha. Lazy me.' Elisa hated lying, but she just can't bring herself to say she's been making cards even if she didn't say it's for him.
'I see. Well, that's something I'd like to do. The hospital had been really busy the whole morning, but i thought I'd give you a call to check on you. I seems you took leave today. Why?' He's voice sounded very stern suddenly.
She flustered. Looking for the right thing to say.. 'What reason can i give?!' she had taken leave for no better reason then that she wanted to make a card!
'I... I...' She muttered..
'You ate that dinner that had been lying in your fridge for god-knows-how-long didn't you!' He was so sure. 'I told you to get rid of it!
'Oh you see through me' And then she regretted lying again, but there wasn't a better reason that she could come up with.
'The hospital is quiet without you... ' Benjamin kind of muttered and trailed off as if embarassed to have made such a silly comment.
On the other end of the line, Elisa was flushed. She couldn't believe what she had heard and is too afraid to ask for verification.
'So when are you coming back?' Ben went back to his cheery self as if trying to hide his embarassment.
'I'll be back tomorrow!' Elisa replied with the same kind of awkward excitement.
The conversation ended very soon, leaving the shy wondering mind of Elisa thinking about what he meant by 'Quiet without you'. It kind of resonates in her mind in a magical way, like music, like a soft sweet tune of piano, making her happy. She lets it past, and let the idea settle as a beautiful understanding, or rather, misunderstanding.
She went to work as usual the next day. With her, is always her faithful dog Charles. Charles is also a nurse technically, he helps alot especially when it comes to the children wards, he has the ability to open up the hearts of the critically ill opening a path for Elisa to enter, or perhaps the other way around. Days passed, the card was left in the house, maybe that she is too shy, may be that it wasn't made with the intention of being given in the first place.
She is just such a girl. Always giving. Even if it was one sided. She is afraid to recieve, afraid to be hurt, afraid that things won't turn out the way she expected to have. Always afraid. But she never appeared so. She's always bright and cheery, brightening the days of everyone who crossed her path.
Violets are blue
I'm in love with you
I hope you are too...
Elisa wrote down this little poem of approximately no originality at all on a little yellow card she made. It may not be the best poem in the world, but it is truely what she feels.
Elisa is in love with a young man, a nurse in Kimberlane hospital. He is as gentle as the morning breeze, and strong as a tree. She's never seen him before, but people who have, said he had eyes like the the moon in the river, and a smile that can make the coldest nights warm.
'Ring... Ring....'
Elisa very quickly ran to the phone from her room. Counting every step as she ran. Her brother had asked several times, but she rejected the idea of having a phone installed in her room, she finds it 'unnecessary'. She arrived at the hall and quickly reached out her hands to feel for the phone....
'Hello! This is Elisa speaking.'
'Hi! Benjamin here, how are you?'
'Oh, I'm fine really been napping the whole day. haha. Lazy me.' Elisa hated lying, but she just can't bring herself to say she's been making cards even if she didn't say it's for him.
'I see. Well, that's something I'd like to do. The hospital had been really busy the whole morning, but i thought I'd give you a call to check on you. I seems you took leave today. Why?' He's voice sounded very stern suddenly.
She flustered. Looking for the right thing to say.. 'What reason can i give?!' she had taken leave for no better reason then that she wanted to make a card!
'I... I...' She muttered..
'You ate that dinner that had been lying in your fridge for god-knows-how-long didn't you!' He was so sure. 'I told you to get rid of it!
'Oh you see through me' And then she regretted lying again, but there wasn't a better reason that she could come up with.
'The hospital is quiet without you... ' Benjamin kind of muttered and trailed off as if embarassed to have made such a silly comment.
On the other end of the line, Elisa was flushed. She couldn't believe what she had heard and is too afraid to ask for verification.
'So when are you coming back?' Ben went back to his cheery self as if trying to hide his embarassment.
'I'll be back tomorrow!' Elisa replied with the same kind of awkward excitement.
The conversation ended very soon, leaving the shy wondering mind of Elisa thinking about what he meant by 'Quiet without you'. It kind of resonates in her mind in a magical way, like music, like a soft sweet tune of piano, making her happy. She lets it past, and let the idea settle as a beautiful understanding, or rather, misunderstanding.
She went to work as usual the next day. With her, is always her faithful dog Charles. Charles is also a nurse technically, he helps alot especially when it comes to the children wards, he has the ability to open up the hearts of the critically ill opening a path for Elisa to enter, or perhaps the other way around. Days passed, the card was left in the house, maybe that she is too shy, may be that it wasn't made with the intention of being given in the first place.
She is just such a girl. Always giving. Even if it was one sided. She is afraid to recieve, afraid to be hurt, afraid that things won't turn out the way she expected to have. Always afraid. But she never appeared so. She's always bright and cheery, brightening the days of everyone who crossed her path.
24.10.04
oh sweet love
i'm in love
but has love ever looked me in the eye?
does love care if he is mine.
i'm in love
with but a shell
with nothing but a dream, a dream of love..
was it really there?
or was it just my head?
am i really in love?
but has love ever looked me in the eye?
does love care if he is mine.
i'm in love
with but a shell
with nothing but a dream, a dream of love..
was it really there?
or was it just my head?
am i really in love?
23.10.04
22.10.04
it's been a loooong time since i came here... wanted to look for something initially.. and then i found something else... Sometimes i wonder if I had feelings for that special someone whom i consider a dear friend now. but then, it's of no consequence and i shall not dwell. mebbe i should come back here... but my blog will be very boring though.. coz i duno how to do all that template stuff... hmm.. I'll consider..
21.10.04
Things are getting better.
Was bloody depressed yesterday... suffered from severe mood swings... but thank god things took a good turn at ard evening. And now I'm almost fine though a little unsure.
19.10.04
loneliness...
I miss my friends.. suddenly I'm feeling very lonely in this diary of mine. emptiness sets in.
Alone
I'm alone.
In my room.
There's nothing in here with me.
I lie beside my empty shell.
Searching for a soul.
But all I see...
All I see...
Is an empty room...
With nothing more then tables and chairs
Nowhere I can roam.
With nothing more then still faces
nothing for me to hold.
Actually other then that.. I want to know why am I so strange?
Alone
I'm alone.
In my room.
There's nothing in here with me.
I lie beside my empty shell.
Searching for a soul.
But all I see...
All I see...
Is an empty room...
With nothing more then tables and chairs
Nowhere I can roam.
With nothing more then still faces
nothing for me to hold.
Actually other then that.. I want to know why am I so strange?
15.10.04
1st day of studying Since graduation!
Today I'm going to study! Can't believe i'm saying this... haha... I graduated on wed~ and now i'm having my 'holiday' but know what? I'm actually thinking of studying.. very unlike me... haha.. but then... well, As is around the corner, probably i should be more enthusiastic about it.. ;P so... wish me luck for my 1st step!
14.10.04
pissed
just finished writing a private entry... feeling slightly better but nonetheless i'm still not very happy.
anyway... i should change my mood.
1stly, I want to thank gorilla for smsing me yesterday. thank you!! ^_^ made me happy. I didn't really get to celebrate my birthday at all though.. my parents fought and my mom got all upset, ended up with a headache and cancelled the birthday dinner. i was upset. but i guess i can't really be upset... it's not really like someone did me wrong anyway... just sad that shit always happens on my birthday... last year was the same.. still can't quite believe that my very own parents didn't even think of bringing me for a birthday dinner last year on my 18th birthday... and everyone thought the actual birthdays are always celebrated with family.... haiz...
I haven't had a birthday cake since like ages... mebbe they don't care.. mebbe no one really cares.. but i think i do.. sucky..
okie.. i should think of happy things ya? i went to take a neo card thingy with a good friend of mine yesterday though.. made me happy. and she got me the cd on disney songs!!! ^_^ got me all excited.. ;P
other presents i got was a canned plant..I'm supposed to open it and water it or something.. and plants will grow out...
and my darling class got me a set of accessories.. a necklace with a clover pendent and earrings.. pink... haha.. hardly wear anything pink other then one shirt of mne.. mebbe i should be more feminine... ;P
hmm.. not many.. but i'm happy enough... ;P
I guess...
anyway... i should change my mood.
1stly, I want to thank gorilla for smsing me yesterday. thank you!! ^_^ made me happy. I didn't really get to celebrate my birthday at all though.. my parents fought and my mom got all upset, ended up with a headache and cancelled the birthday dinner. i was upset. but i guess i can't really be upset... it's not really like someone did me wrong anyway... just sad that shit always happens on my birthday... last year was the same.. still can't quite believe that my very own parents didn't even think of bringing me for a birthday dinner last year on my 18th birthday... and everyone thought the actual birthdays are always celebrated with family.... haiz...
I haven't had a birthday cake since like ages... mebbe they don't care.. mebbe no one really cares.. but i think i do.. sucky..
okie.. i should think of happy things ya? i went to take a neo card thingy with a good friend of mine yesterday though.. made me happy. and she got me the cd on disney songs!!! ^_^ got me all excited.. ;P
other presents i got was a canned plant..I'm supposed to open it and water it or something.. and plants will grow out...
and my darling class got me a set of accessories.. a necklace with a clover pendent and earrings.. pink... haha.. hardly wear anything pink other then one shirt of mne.. mebbe i should be more feminine... ;P
hmm.. not many.. but i'm happy enough... ;P
I guess...
11.10.04
KL trip!
everything turned out pretty well. we set off on friday night and reached at 3 in the morning? haha... the hotel has zouk just opposite it. but... haiz.. it's a wasted facility.... i soooo wanted to go... ;P
other then that. I had fun~
Went to watch Motor gp on sat. which was an interesting experience. The feeling when the motors voom droom past is incredible. the sound seem to resonate down the spine giving a sensational sensation. The race probably wasn't as exciting as we've expected it to be, but it was fun anyhow. ^_^
and then on sun, we went to Times square~ it's a huge place. or what I know somebody would say... INSANE. I think, it is impossible to finish shopping/even loitering around the whole mall... ;P and there was the indoor theme park. hahaa... it's the biggest indoor theme park IN MALAYSIA... haha... kindda like..... so? but it is nice. took the roller coaster ride twice, the machine that spins in total madness, and the bumper car. coz i had to come back by evening, so the games day was cut short... nonetheless, it was an incredibly fun day! *happy*
I should go out more often....
other then that. I had fun~
Went to watch Motor gp on sat. which was an interesting experience. The feeling when the motors voom droom past is incredible. the sound seem to resonate down the spine giving a sensational sensation. The race probably wasn't as exciting as we've expected it to be, but it was fun anyhow. ^_^
and then on sun, we went to Times square~ it's a huge place. or what I know somebody would say... INSANE. I think, it is impossible to finish shopping/even loitering around the whole mall... ;P and there was the indoor theme park. hahaa... it's the biggest indoor theme park IN MALAYSIA... haha... kindda like..... so? but it is nice. took the roller coaster ride twice, the machine that spins in total madness, and the bumper car. coz i had to come back by evening, so the games day was cut short... nonetheless, it was an incredibly fun day! *happy*
I should go out more often....
4.10.04
last week of JC life
this is like the last week of my JC education now. I'll be graduating next week tuesday, and then it'll be 'holiday' for us to prepare for our As.... for this whole week until then, it will be lectures everyday without tutorials, which is kindda good and bad at the same time.... i like tutorials more coz i can kindda do more. but now the lectures are abit like tutorials giving us Questions to do and then goin though them. btu then i just don't find the mood to do stuff during lectures.. it think it's that feeling where you know no body is looking... hahaa... ;P (no wonder my prelims turned out so bad)
it's a pretty nice coincidence for my graduation day to coincide with my birthday on a wednesday.. haha.. coz it's just perfect! you see, it's ladies night on wednesdays where i can have free flow of drinks and stuff, and i've got double the reason for me to go celebrate! hahaa?!! ^_^ very pleased with that. i've been clubbing quite alot latey though... will have to stop at some point.. getting dark circles and eye bags i think..
And i'll probably go this sat as well? hahaa... think i'm going mad already....
it's a pretty nice coincidence for my graduation day to coincide with my birthday on a wednesday.. haha.. coz it's just perfect! you see, it's ladies night on wednesdays where i can have free flow of drinks and stuff, and i've got double the reason for me to go celebrate! hahaa?!! ^_^ very pleased with that. i've been clubbing quite alot latey though... will have to stop at some point.. getting dark circles and eye bags i think..
And i'll probably go this sat as well? hahaa... think i'm going mad already....
2.10.04
to:**** ***
I've been dreaming alot of the same person lately...some times i think I'm the one who did him wrong, and then again, he was the one who started it.In any case, I want to apologise. but I can't. He is so near yet so far. probably he'll just think I'm acting. I still remember what he said to me. and it still hurts....
I know you think that i shouldn't still love you
I'll tell you that
But if I didn't say it,
Well, I'd still have felt it,
Now where's the sense in that?
I promise I won't make your life harder
Or return to where we were
I will go down this ship
and I won't put my hands up and surrender
there will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love, always will be
I know I left too much mess and destruction
To come back again
I caused nothing but trouble
I'd understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of 'it's over'
that I guess that that makes sense
I will go down with this ship
and i won't put my hands up and surrender
there will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love, always will be
And when we meet
I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
and hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on~
I know you think that i shouldn't still love you
I'll tell you that
But if I didn't say it,
Well, I'd still have felt it,
Now where's the sense in that?
I promise I won't make your life harder
Or return to where we were
I will go down this ship
and I won't put my hands up and surrender
there will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love, always will be
I know I left too much mess and destruction
To come back again
I caused nothing but trouble
I'd understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of 'it's over'
that I guess that that makes sense
I will go down with this ship
and i won't put my hands up and surrender
there will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love, always will be
And when we meet
I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
and hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on~
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