Sadness

I didn't think you will be gone soh soon. We were just beginning, the flowers have only started to bloom.
The promise of spring, at our finger tips.
Yet you slipped away. A winter's snapping chill.

Your smile, your laugh...
All the places we were supposed to go together.
We had plans! Could you not remember? How could you leave me just like that. Without a goodbye. Without telling me why.. or how.. leaving only 'when' behind with you last seen online?

Ok, ok ok... I'm ok, don't worry.. Don't worry about me. How? How did you expect me to not worry. If I had known that you would just leave like this, if only I had known.. I'd have done everything to see you before you were gone too soon.

I wouldn't have paused when we looked each other in the eyes. I would have told you, that I liked you, and that I miss you when you are not around. And now you are truly not around anymore.. I can't even tell you I miss you anymore. I can't even touch you anymore... rub shoulders with you any more.. sit in your car with my legs up anymore..

What will I do now? So many places that we've been. So many more that we wanted to go. I was looking forward to giving you a big hug and say, everything is ok now. And maybe just inch a little closer to your warmth. But now... you are in a different world. with a box between you and I. and only the cold chill of forever gone.

I can't stop my tears from falling. All our memories made. They will not be forgotten. And like you said, one day you will rest forever. I never envisioned that day to come so quickly... but you are resting now. Be at peace, for you are sorely missed... and loved... by me.

Of Manipulations and Bullies

Haven't been posting for a while, I guess ever since the stalker incident, I got scared. Suddenly, it felt like I lost the safety of being a nobody. Having said that, after all the things that happened recently, I now truly believe that bullies are people who uses fear against others. And so, the best way to face up and go against any bully is to NOT FEAR.

A lot has happened in recent months, and it's really an eye opener in the world of manipulation and bullies. Luckily for me, there are also good guys on the opposite spectrum, so I'm not so much scarred for life, and faith in humanity is not completely destroyed. Though I now carry a much more wary attitude towards other people's intentions.

Somehow there's this righteousness in me since young, that I cannot stand down to bullies and feel that people need to stand up for themselves, or I will. Maybe that's why I always get into trouble? Shrug. But ya, that is also the source of my frustrations now as, for the first time, since I graduated from school, I realised there are a lot of people who are just sheep.. easily manipulated and lead in the direction the bully wants them to go.

I'm finding it difficult to understand what happened. How is it that the people are unable to see the problems and ask the right questions. How did they get lead by the nose to think and see situations in a way that should not have been to start with. It's all rather bizarre to me. But I guess that is the height of manipulation. When I trusted the stalker, I tended to believe the things he said without questioning them too much either. Always giving him the benefit of doubt and seeing what he did in a positive light despite all the warning signs.

It is so frustrating, seeing people fall victim to such characters, especially for people who have seen the light. in fact, it is infuriating. How can we expose him and his true colours? Gosh. Will it ever happen? I hope so. But by then, maybe the damage would have been done.

The best defense I can think of at this moment, is to not fear, and keep a questioning mind. Always ask, why? How? Never just let people tell you what is real.

Once and for all

Having been a victim of stalking and harassment by the crazy Hutchinsons, that didn't end even after all the police reports and confrontations. I have to say it has quite a psychological scar on me. Didn't think humans were capable of such scheming and disgusting behaviour. And didn't think kindness would receive ill returns.
It is also perhaps the first time I had the chance to have a glimpse into the dark side that we so often hear about as ordinary people - How the rich and well connected are able to bully and manipulate.

I pitied Adam, and now I truly understand why some people should not deserve any pity. In Chinese, it's what we say, "When someone evokes your pity, there must also have been undesirable traits that got that person there."

Recalling some of the events, how we laughed as a joke hearing about how the wife moved all the furniture out of the house when she found out that he was having an affair.

Deep inside, I guess I was even rooting for her, thinking, Hey, you go girl. Show him right for cheating on you. But being a friend, I decided to just laugh it off and empathise. Even getting confused about why he should be in trouble when he said he was divorced anyway. I felt bad for the girl, and I felt bad for Adam. I had really thought he had found the right girl for himself.

Little did I know, that the wife actually thought I was THE GIRL! GASP.

It was slowly as I read through his words and her words that I realise, not only was I put IN harms way, he actually purposefully made sure that she would misunderstand. I don't know why he did it. Did he do it to protect her little girlfriend? Maybe. Who knows. I'll never find out I guess, and I don't really think I care at this moment.

BUT the most disgusting thing is that, (of course I had to find out later that he had lied, and that he wasn't divorced at all) this despicable man, was happily married, have been chasing skirts all around town, had a little girlfriend who was WAAAAYYY too young for him, and was still stalking me and telling acquaintances that we were dating. Like, huh?

Some people just have no shame,

A beautiful mind

Dance, smile, dance

repeat

A certain imperfection, a gaze, a distant smile, a twinkle in the eye, a laugh. A real laugh. 

The point of no return

After all this time we are talking again. I promised myself that i will not get affected by your thoughts or your words again.

The past months have been enjoyable, chit chatting like old friends. I missed that about us. Our friendship that was unbound and conversations on steroids. Laughing about nothing and enjoying being weird together. But after all that, you brought us back to square one. Was it a serious chat? Maybe in your haste to force a decision, an outcome that you so desired, you forgot about me. That I am also part of the equation. There are many times, if I can be so truthful to you, where I thought, maybe I should just settle. Settle for someone who holds a torch for me. Who so promises to love me unconditionally. There are so many times I entertained that thought you have no idea. Should I? Can I?

Then there were those times that I wanted to try. From when we were together, to when we broke up, to when you said you still loved me. But our problems was always the same. In the haste to your destination, you forgot about me.

I told you today, that you are not in love with me. You are in love with the idea of me. You didn't think so obviously. You think I'm pushing you away. But you didn't realise that when I was trying, you rejected the very same request you asked of me today. 

Let's start back at being friends and see how things are. 

You claim that it would show me that you know me through and through. That your love was real. Little did you know, it only showed how much you didn't and the distance that's between us. 

Perhaps I was too many steps ahead. Perhaps I am just too far behind. But when a relationship has gone past the point of no return, I think that's really what it is. And we all have to live with the possibility of a little regret in our lives. 

Thank you for loving me. Nobody said it would be easy. I feel like I'm losing a friend, but perhaps that's just my idea of you too.