I'm so tired... tired of everything...

BGR? or GGR?

What's wrong with them?!

I don't see what's wrong with having lunch or dinner or supper or high tea with boys. They are after all just humans. If I can go out with girls to do mindless shopping why can't I go out with boys to have food? Not like I don't pay for what I eat anyway. So what's wrong with my parents? What's with the 'humiliation to the family' and 'you'll suffer retribution'???!!! What the F am I supposed to suffer 'retribution' for??!! So it's okie if I've got a lesbian friend and I have food out with them in the horrifying PUBLIC?? But I should never have food with a platonic friend????? What is this crap?! I cannot understand it, and I don't think I ever will. I don't see why friends of the opposite sex will HAVE to be 'together'. Aren't man human just as girls are flesh and blood?

So, I'm not in lack of male company. What does that mean? THAT MEANS I HAVE LOTS OF FRIENDS. I go out with a good fair lot of girls as well!! What does that make me? A lesbian? People always tend to look at people from a distorted point of view. Tend to notice things that are 'different' as opposed to things that are 'the same'. If everyone else has got lots of friends both guys and girls whom they go out with regularly, they wouldn't take notice or see any difference between them and me. Which leads me to thinking. These people are really pretty much people who are deprived of friends altogether. They are lonesome and thus find it difficult to accept that there are people out there who have the ability to make friends with any sort of people. And then after that, they cannot put their pride down into making friends with that person any more even if she is friendly towards them, because 1: They already bad mouthed them a whole lot too early and don't want to position themselves as part of the 'gang' 2: They already have a fixed mindset on that person and is too thick in the head to change it. 3: They are hypocrites themselves and assume that everyone else is the same.

I cannot believe how much jealousy, insecurity, and the society and do to people. I'd tell you that I don't believe in such influences if you'd ask me 1 year ago where I still believed in mankind, and think that all people are nice and willing people who have a mind of their own, can differentiate facts from stories and not assume without proving. But now, I find it hard to believe that people are good. I admit that I do get jealous and insecure too.. but I'd never do/say things to harm people, especially so if I don't even know them personnally. If anything, I assume the good things about them rather than the bad things, if not, I simply don't care(not as if it's my business what's going on in their lives anyway).

So, last but not least. All I want to say is that... SINCE I'M NOT A LESBIAN, I DO NOT THINK I HAVE MORE MALE FRIENDS THAN I SHOULD HAVE AS WELL. I HAVE NO ABILITY TO CONTROL WHETHER SOMEONE LIKES ME OR NOT, AND SO I SHALL NOT SEEK TO. BE IT YOU ARE A BOY OR A GIRL, YOUR LIKING OR DISLIKING TOWARDS ME, TO ME, IS ALL THE SAME.

So there. hope this will shut some people up.

When it's over..

That's the time you fall in love again.. or rather.. deeper in love.

I officially left Adam on Sat. And I never gave it much thought, even when he wanted the 'closure' of a face to face good bye, until today when I managed to convince him that there's no need for good bye since we never had been together and he had never been mine.

Essentially, I didn't want to say good bye to him face to face because I know it wouldn't work, and he knows that it'll work to his advantage. The vicious cycle had already repeated itself far too many times.. I cannot let it happen again.

'You are much wiser than your age would suggest and one of the reasons we get on so well. If this is truely what you want than I will let go. But i hope you never regret what we had and do think of me fondly as i think of you. You will be surely missed and i am sure you will end up with a wonderful guy because you deserve it. :-*'

Seriously speaking.. that was the only message he had ever sent me that felt like he had placed heart in composing it. The 1st time I felt that he was really saying what he meant/felt. And I am glad. And for the 1st time since sat, I cried for him again. He is gone and never will be mine again.

And so, I bid farewell to a love that's not mine. I will still love him.. I know. For a very very long time.. Hopefully he'll be happier without me around to kaypo and ley chey him. And he'll all the fun he wanted.

When certain things are done with the consequences in mind. It shows how much one cares.

I know what you have done. How did you think you'd escape my eyes. Every sentence you speak, every question you ask. I already knew the answer right from the start. You did what you did. I even reminded you before you started it. And so you'll have to pay for it. I sure hope you really liked it. Coz you won't like this. Not this bit.

Hell's fire is burning.
Heaven is out of reach.
I'll do what I wish.
And you'll pay for what you did.
The sun and the storms will merge as one..
The seas without the beach.
I'll thrive without you
And your selfish pitch.
I will not leave, I want to see you suffer.
Even if I love you
It doesn't really matter

Why fit me into this mess?

Okie, he is an arse.

If all you want is to date. Fine. I'll date with you.
You want to mess up my life? I'll mess with yours.
You want to be an arse. I'll be an arse with you.

No more heart felt emotions. I'll be as politically correct as you are.

Quisy feeling

My stomach have been feeling very weird lately.. Not much appetite in anything. And everytime I feel that way I'll need to take deep breaths to make it feel just a little better before the feeling comes back again. I don't know how much of this excruciating pain I can endure. How many times I'll have to go through this before I turn numb. And when I turn numb, does it matter anymore? Probably there'd be no point in continuing when that happens.

The only way I can make myself feel better is by knowing more people. I need emotional support now more then ever. And hopefully it'll help in the process of leaving as well. I can't think straight now. Nothing logical is registering, but my heart has sank. And so I'm like an empty shell. Empty yet full. Full with sorrows. Emptied of love.

Turning back time.

Yesterday must have been the worst day of my life. No one would have been able to imagine the helplessness I experienced, how upset I was and how empty yet heavy my heart felt. So many things happened yesterday. And nothing turned out right. I'll not be forgiven. I feel like I've let myself down and no one is willing to step in my shoes. He didn't even try to understand. I guess I only serve to destroy in this world. I wonder when will I start destroying myself.
Ham ham is blind in her left eye. The vet says it's probably due to that something irritated her eye and caused her to start scratching until the eye got injured. Or, it may be genetic... But I feel it's largely due to my negligence. If it was the former, I could have brought her to the vet earlier had I noticed the unusual scratching. Even If it was genetic I should have noticed the changes much sooner than this. Almost wanted to cry at the clinic. And cried while I was on the taxi. I'm really very sorry...
The other thing. It was a disaster. I probably shouldn't have insisted on meeting. But I was feeling so down I was hoping for some comforting. Guess I was just being silly. What kind of comforting was I looking for? No body wants to give but only to recieve. All I recieved was a cold shoulder and was made to feel so bad that I had to apologize and try to make up for it instead.
Plans? ya. I made alot of very nice plans. but what's the point? the heart is not there any more. I'm upset. Making you upset. Making me even more upset and you actually made a person that upset feel like there's a need to cheer you up? how successful is that going to be? It only served to make me even even more upset I think.
I guess all the talk about truthfulness and promises are only valid when there's no need for it. Humans are selfish. Am I? perhaps. I guess being selfish in different ways meant different things too. Is your selfishness only for yourself? or is it something that was inclusive? So many things up in my head last night that I couldn't even close my eyes. Coz the moment I close my eyes the heart would sink, and thoughts of you leaving would appear. I only managed to sleep for the 1 1/2hrs I dreamt that we were happy again. Choices are when life is smooth sailing I guess.. But emotions are not by choice are they?
Like the many times I cry for love. I wish it'd stop. I wouldn't have cried if I hadn't loved. And I guess I wouldn't have known if I hadn't cried. But this is far too many times.

ham ham is sick!

she's got an eye infection... I don't know if she's going to go blind. I haven't brought her to the vet yet. but I called and asked.. and the vet thinks it's probably an ulcer or infection in the eye.

It looked so scary!! her eye lid looked like it was flipped upwards and the eye couldn't open. And when it opened up, the eye was of a funny dusty brown colour instead of the usual black... freaked me out. I can only bring her to the vet later when the vet reopens... I hope it's not as bad as I think it is..

Try harder next time

Late nights thinking
So many nights of dreaming
So many times I try
To let go, to let go

I was meant to be something
Something more than nothing
And I try
To let go, to let go

And so I wish that you can see me now
And so I wish that you will hear me out
oo wo ho.. oo wo ho..
You're not here

You're not here
You're not here at all..

So many things up in my mind
So many images of you
The way you make me smile
And the way you make me cry..

And so I wish that you can see me now
And so I wish that you will hear me out
oo wo ho.. oo wo ho..
You're not here

I was meant to be something

Something more than nothing

And I try

To let go, to let go

Diary

I flipped open my diary
Inside it's filled with you
You hated being left alone
Was used to being waited upon
And look for me only when you were alone

I saw the emotions I noted
And put myself above inferiority
I've waited for too long
Tears flow as I think of you
What is happiness and joy?

Loving till it hurts
So painful that I cried
So tired of crying
Yet the pages won't change

Inscripted with your deeds
Like an addiction
It kept me falling

Loving till it hurts
So painful that I cried
So tired of crying
Yet my ego contradicts itself

Persuade myself to say good bye
Close my eyes and let you go
Perhaps I should
Burn the diary and start all over.

Perhaps the Mandarin speaking ones would know where this came from. Badly translated by Miss Goh here though.. LOL