haha.. been forever and ever since I updated this blog.. :P ops.. Almost forgot about the existence of this blog actually.. sorry for ppl that actually come here..
anyway.. alot alot alot has happened since I last blogged here... ppl who read my friendster blog will know coz I have been updating that one...
Well, I kindda broke up with B again.. yes.. AGAIN.. have a bad feeling that we'll eventually go back to the dating but not serious at all state where I'll be trying to decieve myself again... haiz.. Life stinks..
So many things happened lately.. It's kindda nice, yet a little depressing when I think about it thoroughly. hm.. what kind of life would I want to lead? I don't know really.. I hope to lead a life where I don't feel bad about myself, where I can live up to my conscience i guess. That's the most basic thing in life. Nothing else matters much I feel at this point in life.
sure, money is always viewed as an important thing, especially in singapore. But what is money? little notes of different size and colours that ppl exchange around for something else. That's almost equivalent to nothing. Money is essential for getting things that you want, but not necessarily for things that you need. Well, I like making money, just for the fun of it. I like the security it gives me that I know I won't have to fore go things that I want. But essentially, I don't think I'm money hungry. It's kindda weird. I've never felt that money was of great importance even though I grew in the same family as my brother. He kindda is very calculative when it comes to money issue sometimes... abit the jian qian yan kai some times.. which I don't really like most of the time.
oh well.. I'm in office now.. damn warm.. the air-con is not really working again... melting...
25.9.05
31.8.05
Stupid blogger deleted away my blog!!!
GRRRRR... nvm lah. I'll write again another day.. :P tired liao..
26.8.05
Live again - Joanita
For one night.
Just one night.
I wish, I could be fine.
For one night.
Just one night.
I wish, I could stand high.
I wish for the courage.
I wish for the strength.
I wish I could be with you again.
I wish for more time.
For it to past slowly.
I wished you had not been
the way you are.
One more wish.
Just one more time.
Just one more night with you.
One more dream.
By your side.
And I'll be blessed for life.
Bridge:
Some times I wonder if
If I could change a thing.
If it'd matter if I died.
And I will forgive
What ever wrong done to me.
Just like it was my last time~~
Just one night.
I wish, I could be fine.
For one night.
Just one night.
I wish, I could stand high.
I wish for the courage.
I wish for the strength.
I wish I could be with you again.
I wish for more time.
For it to past slowly.
I wished you had not been
the way you are.
One more wish.
Just one more time.
Just one more night with you.
One more dream.
By your side.
And I'll be blessed for life.
Bridge:
Some times I wonder if
If I could change a thing.
If it'd matter if I died.
And I will forgive
What ever wrong done to me.
Just like it was my last time~~
For one night.
Just one night.
I wish, I could be fine.
For one night.
Just one night.
I wish, I could stand high.
I wish, I could stand high.
One more night.
Just one night.
Sometimes I wish I could try, Harder.
One more night.
Just one night.
Just one night.
And my dreams will live again.
14.8.05
Ups and Downs... As usual
I can never understand why the more one wants something to happen as planned, the less is its probability of happening. Especially so when the things planned were supposed to be sweet and nice...
I'm starting to think, it's just human. Or atleast a specific kind, like me and you-know-who.
I guess, after some rational and analytical thinking, I've come to a conclusion that our similarity in personalities(frighteningly similar some times) is probably the reason to this issue. Coz, I don't believe it's a very common issue among other couples.. But for us.. Whenever we want to do something sweet, there is just this hidden desire to make the other party 'work' for it. And when the desired treatment is not present, we kindda don't feel like what we were planning on doing anymore.
I told him off(kindda) the last time it happened, that he should not expect me to treat him better than usual coz he is GOING to treat me nice for the evening.1) coz I won't know that he is going to be nice unless he tells me 2) I won't know what is installed for me until it happens and 3) treating someone nice is not suppose to be a reciprocal thing. Well, I'm not saying that I don't make the same mistakes.. but.. ya... I guess sometimes it's just in our personality and cannot help it. atleast understanding it and talking it through helps release the strain in our relationship.
But then again.. haha.. sometimes it's not just purely that as well.. sometimes I feel that it's simply that the guy up there didn't want things to turn out right. like all the weird things will happen at the most inappropriate timing.
Oh well.. I guess that's just how life is. The difference between theory and practical.
Meanwhile, I went clubbing last night at china black. That was pretty fun. most of the time, I'll be able to dance to almost any music so long as I find the songs nice. Which also caused one problem, I have no idea how to differentiate different genres of music. haha.. *confused* Anyway.. went with my JC best friend, her cousin, and his friends... It was pretty good company, a very fun and funny and caring group. :P Feel very safe being out with them.
My god lots of AH BENGS tried to hit on me yesterday.. hahaa... Ah beng magnet.. whahaha CMI lah.. Y only ah bengs? Damn. :P indirectly nearly caused a fight.. ops. oh well.. guys are weird creatures.. I only like dancing with people I know... atleast I feel safe around them.. stranger guys are usually weird.. like, dance is dance.. y can't they keep their hands to themselves? want to train me to become escape artist is it? everytime have to think of ways to run away or find somebody to hide behind of.. the lather option would involve a risk of getting the 'somebody' into trouble as well.. haiz.. heng I don't club that often.. Men...
I'm starting to think, it's just human. Or atleast a specific kind, like me and you-know-who.
I guess, after some rational and analytical thinking, I've come to a conclusion that our similarity in personalities(frighteningly similar some times) is probably the reason to this issue. Coz, I don't believe it's a very common issue among other couples.. But for us.. Whenever we want to do something sweet, there is just this hidden desire to make the other party 'work' for it. And when the desired treatment is not present, we kindda don't feel like what we were planning on doing anymore.
I told him off(kindda) the last time it happened, that he should not expect me to treat him better than usual coz he is GOING to treat me nice for the evening.1) coz I won't know that he is going to be nice unless he tells me 2) I won't know what is installed for me until it happens and 3) treating someone nice is not suppose to be a reciprocal thing. Well, I'm not saying that I don't make the same mistakes.. but.. ya... I guess sometimes it's just in our personality and cannot help it. atleast understanding it and talking it through helps release the strain in our relationship.
But then again.. haha.. sometimes it's not just purely that as well.. sometimes I feel that it's simply that the guy up there didn't want things to turn out right. like all the weird things will happen at the most inappropriate timing.
Oh well.. I guess that's just how life is. The difference between theory and practical.
Meanwhile, I went clubbing last night at china black. That was pretty fun. most of the time, I'll be able to dance to almost any music so long as I find the songs nice. Which also caused one problem, I have no idea how to differentiate different genres of music. haha.. *confused* Anyway.. went with my JC best friend, her cousin, and his friends... It was pretty good company, a very fun and funny and caring group. :P Feel very safe being out with them.
My god lots of AH BENGS tried to hit on me yesterday.. hahaa... Ah beng magnet.. whahaha CMI lah.. Y only ah bengs? Damn. :P indirectly nearly caused a fight.. ops. oh well.. guys are weird creatures.. I only like dancing with people I know... atleast I feel safe around them.. stranger guys are usually weird.. like, dance is dance.. y can't they keep their hands to themselves? want to train me to become escape artist is it? everytime have to think of ways to run away or find somebody to hide behind of.. the lather option would involve a risk of getting the 'somebody' into trouble as well.. haiz.. heng I don't club that often.. Men...
31.7.05
Relationships
I started off wanting to write about relationships.. after writing 3 paragraphs.. I felt sick.. and deleted all of them off..
Haiz.. Actually I don't really know how I should feel too.. there's only one person in my life now that I feel I love... But he does not love me. How much more straightforward can that be? Why can't he just tell me that he does not love me and tell me to buzz off? The more I spend time with him, the more he acts like he loves me, the more I'm falling for him.. But he is just an imagination! I can't even think of a single reason to why I should be with someone who does not give shit about how I feel, who only cares for me because I am around him and don't give a damn about how I am doing when I'm not with him. Sick of all this hypocracy.. If I'm nothing, tell me I'm nothing. Don't be politically correct so as to keep me as your safety net.
Trust is really something I cannot put on you? Is it really that out of reach? You make me feel so naive I can't even believe you anymore.. Coz now I know, that everything you do and say are all lies.. just acts that you put up, means nothing at all... Everything..
How it pains me.. How it pains me to know that everything that felt real were nothing but BS. And yet I can't find someone/anywhere else to focus on other than he.. I feel pathetic.
Stop asking me if I love you. I told you I did. And until the day I say I don't. I will continue loving you..
Haiz.. Actually I don't really know how I should feel too.. there's only one person in my life now that I feel I love... But he does not love me. How much more straightforward can that be? Why can't he just tell me that he does not love me and tell me to buzz off? The more I spend time with him, the more he acts like he loves me, the more I'm falling for him.. But he is just an imagination! I can't even think of a single reason to why I should be with someone who does not give shit about how I feel, who only cares for me because I am around him and don't give a damn about how I am doing when I'm not with him. Sick of all this hypocracy.. If I'm nothing, tell me I'm nothing. Don't be politically correct so as to keep me as your safety net.
Trust is really something I cannot put on you? Is it really that out of reach? You make me feel so naive I can't even believe you anymore.. Coz now I know, that everything you do and say are all lies.. just acts that you put up, means nothing at all... Everything..
How it pains me.. How it pains me to know that everything that felt real were nothing but BS. And yet I can't find someone/anywhere else to focus on other than he.. I feel pathetic.
Stop asking me if I love you. I told you I did. And until the day I say I don't. I will continue loving you..
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