Quisy feeling

My stomach have been feeling very weird lately.. Not much appetite in anything. And everytime I feel that way I'll need to take deep breaths to make it feel just a little better before the feeling comes back again. I don't know how much of this excruciating pain I can endure. How many times I'll have to go through this before I turn numb. And when I turn numb, does it matter anymore? Probably there'd be no point in continuing when that happens.

The only way I can make myself feel better is by knowing more people. I need emotional support now more then ever. And hopefully it'll help in the process of leaving as well. I can't think straight now. Nothing logical is registering, but my heart has sank. And so I'm like an empty shell. Empty yet full. Full with sorrows. Emptied of love.

Turning back time.

Yesterday must have been the worst day of my life. No one would have been able to imagine the helplessness I experienced, how upset I was and how empty yet heavy my heart felt. So many things happened yesterday. And nothing turned out right. I'll not be forgiven. I feel like I've let myself down and no one is willing to step in my shoes. He didn't even try to understand. I guess I only serve to destroy in this world. I wonder when will I start destroying myself.
Ham ham is blind in her left eye. The vet says it's probably due to that something irritated her eye and caused her to start scratching until the eye got injured. Or, it may be genetic... But I feel it's largely due to my negligence. If it was the former, I could have brought her to the vet earlier had I noticed the unusual scratching. Even If it was genetic I should have noticed the changes much sooner than this. Almost wanted to cry at the clinic. And cried while I was on the taxi. I'm really very sorry...
The other thing. It was a disaster. I probably shouldn't have insisted on meeting. But I was feeling so down I was hoping for some comforting. Guess I was just being silly. What kind of comforting was I looking for? No body wants to give but only to recieve. All I recieved was a cold shoulder and was made to feel so bad that I had to apologize and try to make up for it instead.
Plans? ya. I made alot of very nice plans. but what's the point? the heart is not there any more. I'm upset. Making you upset. Making me even more upset and you actually made a person that upset feel like there's a need to cheer you up? how successful is that going to be? It only served to make me even even more upset I think.
I guess all the talk about truthfulness and promises are only valid when there's no need for it. Humans are selfish. Am I? perhaps. I guess being selfish in different ways meant different things too. Is your selfishness only for yourself? or is it something that was inclusive? So many things up in my head last night that I couldn't even close my eyes. Coz the moment I close my eyes the heart would sink, and thoughts of you leaving would appear. I only managed to sleep for the 1 1/2hrs I dreamt that we were happy again. Choices are when life is smooth sailing I guess.. But emotions are not by choice are they?
Like the many times I cry for love. I wish it'd stop. I wouldn't have cried if I hadn't loved. And I guess I wouldn't have known if I hadn't cried. But this is far too many times.

ham ham is sick!

she's got an eye infection... I don't know if she's going to go blind. I haven't brought her to the vet yet. but I called and asked.. and the vet thinks it's probably an ulcer or infection in the eye.

It looked so scary!! her eye lid looked like it was flipped upwards and the eye couldn't open. And when it opened up, the eye was of a funny dusty brown colour instead of the usual black... freaked me out. I can only bring her to the vet later when the vet reopens... I hope it's not as bad as I think it is..

Try harder next time

Late nights thinking
So many nights of dreaming
So many times I try
To let go, to let go

I was meant to be something
Something more than nothing
And I try
To let go, to let go

And so I wish that you can see me now
And so I wish that you will hear me out
oo wo ho.. oo wo ho..
You're not here

You're not here
You're not here at all..

So many things up in my mind
So many images of you
The way you make me smile
And the way you make me cry..

And so I wish that you can see me now
And so I wish that you will hear me out
oo wo ho.. oo wo ho..
You're not here

I was meant to be something

Something more than nothing

And I try

To let go, to let go

Diary

I flipped open my diary
Inside it's filled with you
You hated being left alone
Was used to being waited upon
And look for me only when you were alone

I saw the emotions I noted
And put myself above inferiority
I've waited for too long
Tears flow as I think of you
What is happiness and joy?

Loving till it hurts
So painful that I cried
So tired of crying
Yet the pages won't change

Inscripted with your deeds
Like an addiction
It kept me falling

Loving till it hurts
So painful that I cried
So tired of crying
Yet my ego contradicts itself

Persuade myself to say good bye
Close my eyes and let you go
Perhaps I should
Burn the diary and start all over.

Perhaps the Mandarin speaking ones would know where this came from. Badly translated by Miss Goh here though.. LOL