Sadness

I didn't think you will be gone soh soon. We were just beginning, the flowers have only started to bloom.
The promise of spring, at our finger tips.
Yet you slipped away. A winter's snapping chill.

Your smile, your laugh...
All the places we were supposed to go together.
We had plans! Could you not remember? How could you leave me just like that. Without a goodbye. Without telling me why.. or how.. leaving only 'when' behind with you last seen online?

Ok, ok ok... I'm ok, don't worry.. Don't worry about me. How? How did you expect me to not worry. If I had known that you would just leave like this, if only I had known.. I'd have done everything to see you before you were gone too soon.

I wouldn't have paused when we looked each other in the eyes. I would have told you, that I liked you, and that I miss you when you are not around. And now you are truly not around anymore.. I can't even tell you I miss you anymore. I can't even touch you anymore... rub shoulders with you any more.. sit in your car with my legs up anymore..

What will I do now? So many places that we've been. So many more that we wanted to go. I was looking forward to giving you a big hug and say, everything is ok now. And maybe just inch a little closer to your warmth. But now... you are in a different world. with a box between you and I. and only the cold chill of forever gone.

I can't stop my tears from falling. All our memories made. They will not be forgotten. And like you said, one day you will rest forever. I never envisioned that day to come so quickly... but you are resting now. Be at peace, for you are sorely missed... and loved... by me.

Of Manipulations and Bullies

Haven't been posting for a while, I guess ever since the stalker incident, I got scared. Suddenly, it felt like I lost the safety of being a nobody. Having said that, after all the things that happened recently, I now truly believe that bullies are people who uses fear against others. And so, the best way to face up and go against any bully is to NOT FEAR.

A lot has happened in recent months, and it's really an eye opener in the world of manipulation and bullies. Luckily for me, there are also good guys on the opposite spectrum, so I'm not so much scarred for life, and faith in humanity is not completely destroyed. Though I now carry a much more wary attitude towards other people's intentions.

Somehow there's this righteousness in me since young, that I cannot stand down to bullies and feel that people need to stand up for themselves, or I will. Maybe that's why I always get into trouble? Shrug. But ya, that is also the source of my frustrations now as, for the first time, since I graduated from school, I realised there are a lot of people who are just sheep.. easily manipulated and lead in the direction the bully wants them to go.

I'm finding it difficult to understand what happened. How is it that the people are unable to see the problems and ask the right questions. How did they get lead by the nose to think and see situations in a way that should not have been to start with. It's all rather bizarre to me. But I guess that is the height of manipulation. When I trusted the stalker, I tended to believe the things he said without questioning them too much either. Always giving him the benefit of doubt and seeing what he did in a positive light despite all the warning signs.

It is so frustrating, seeing people fall victim to such characters, especially for people who have seen the light. in fact, it is infuriating. How can we expose him and his true colours? Gosh. Will it ever happen? I hope so. But by then, maybe the damage would have been done.

The best defense I can think of at this moment, is to not fear, and keep a questioning mind. Always ask, why? How? Never just let people tell you what is real.

Once and for all

Having been a victim of stalking and harassment by the crazy Hutchinsons, that didn't end even after all the police reports and confrontations. I have to say it has quite a psychological scar on me. Didn't think humans were capable of such scheming and disgusting behaviour. And didn't think kindness would receive ill returns.
It is also perhaps the first time I had the chance to have a glimpse into the dark side that we so often hear about as ordinary people - How the rich and well connected are able to bully and manipulate.

I pitied Adam, and now I truly understand why some people should not deserve any pity. In Chinese, it's what we say, "When someone evokes your pity, there must also have been undesirable traits that got that person there."

Recalling some of the events, how we laughed as a joke hearing about how the wife moved all the furniture out of the house when she found out that he was having an affair.

Deep inside, I guess I was even rooting for her, thinking, Hey, you go girl. Show him right for cheating on you. But being a friend, I decided to just laugh it off and empathise. Even getting confused about why he should be in trouble when he said he was divorced anyway. I felt bad for the girl, and I felt bad for Adam. I had really thought he had found the right girl for himself.

Little did I know, that the wife actually thought I was THE GIRL! GASP.

It was slowly as I read through his words and her words that I realise, not only was I put IN harms way, he actually purposefully made sure that she would misunderstand. I don't know why he did it. Did he do it to protect her little girlfriend? Maybe. Who knows. I'll never find out I guess, and I don't really think I care at this moment.

BUT the most disgusting thing is that, (of course I had to find out later that he had lied, and that he wasn't divorced at all) this despicable man, was happily married, have been chasing skirts all around town, had a little girlfriend who was WAAAAYYY too young for him, and was still stalking me and telling acquaintances that we were dating. Like, huh?

Some people just have no shame,

A beautiful mind

Dance, smile, dance

repeat

A certain imperfection, a gaze, a distant smile, a twinkle in the eye, a laugh. A real laugh. 

The point of no return

After all this time we are talking again. I promised myself that i will not get affected by your thoughts or your words again.

The past months have been enjoyable, chit chatting like old friends. I missed that about us. Our friendship that was unbound and conversations on steroids. Laughing about nothing and enjoying being weird together. But after all that, you brought us back to square one. Was it a serious chat? Maybe in your haste to force a decision, an outcome that you so desired, you forgot about me. That I am also part of the equation. There are many times, if I can be so truthful to you, where I thought, maybe I should just settle. Settle for someone who holds a torch for me. Who so promises to love me unconditionally. There are so many times I entertained that thought you have no idea. Should I? Can I?

Then there were those times that I wanted to try. From when we were together, to when we broke up, to when you said you still loved me. But our problems was always the same. In the haste to your destination, you forgot about me.

I told you today, that you are not in love with me. You are in love with the idea of me. You didn't think so obviously. You think I'm pushing you away. But you didn't realise that when I was trying, you rejected the very same request you asked of me today. 

Let's start back at being friends and see how things are. 

You claim that it would show me that you know me through and through. That your love was real. Little did you know, it only showed how much you didn't and the distance that's between us. 

Perhaps I was too many steps ahead. Perhaps I am just too far behind. But when a relationship has gone past the point of no return, I think that's really what it is. And we all have to live with the possibility of a little regret in our lives. 

Thank you for loving me. Nobody said it would be easy. I feel like I'm losing a friend, but perhaps that's just my idea of you too. 

Another day

Have you ever had this feeling,

Like your heart is bursting,

Overflowing.

When you think of that someone

He is far away, out of reach

but you stretch out your arms anyway

imagining his touch

And it feels like you can almost feel him

almost.. but not really..

Just like the way you can see him

Right in front of you.. but not really..

You close your eyes,

and you feel it again

your heart exploding and imploding at the same time

You are not sure what it is,

you think, maybe this is what love feels like

and you feel happy.. but not really..

My Letter To You

My dear,
How are you?

We spoke about so much today, I didn't know what to say. You evoke the strongest feelings in me. Your kindness, your gentle nature, your love and sense of protection. I don't think I've felt like this before. I wish I could be there for you, to heal your every wound. To show you what love is all about, to hold you close, and tight, and keep you safe from harm.

You really deserve better than this. This life that thrusted itself upon you. All the hurt and pain. Don't be depressed my dear. Don't cry alone at night. You are so much more superior than all these problems surrounding you. Don't let them get to your gentle loving heart.

Maybe I feel it stronger than others. Maybe it's because we are the same. Running away from reality and mistakes that we made along life's unexpected ways. With experience comes failure. Some failures are easier to rectify than others. Some mistakes hit you harder.

Maybe we have both been searching, searching for that someone we didn't know existed. Until I found you, and you found me.

Maybe we both got a little down trodden by life, looking for an escape into a safe place, where we can be ourselves and not worry about anything else in the world.

Where we feel our sacrifices are worth something. And we are loved as much as we love others.

I know you don't want to hurt anyone, but you are hurting yourself my dear. You are hurting yourself just the same way I was hurting myself, for others to be happy, for a silver lining of hope for delayed happiness.

But you deserve more, so much more. Your love is grander, and much more valuable than you think. Your heart should be protected by the soft warm arms of the people around you, not a fence of spikes and shield. Your tears are worth more than diamonds and gold, and they should only be wasted on pure happiness and love.

Pure happiness and love.

You've showed me much more than you think. You are not poor. Not to me. You are richer than most people I know. With a heart of warm liquid gold.

Love,
Me

Among the stars in a land of dreams

Among the stars in a land of dreams
I fell in love with a fantasy

Time stood still that morning in October
With that cool, dry air,
A bottle of water on hand
We ran, we laughed, we lost our breaths

We lost our hearts to each other

I don't think I've felt the warmth of a better Sun.
Or hear my heart beat louder

Every word spoken; unspoken
Every breath taken; taken away

I've never felt so beautiful in my life
As I bask in your glow, your smile, your touch

I wished time would stop,
Even if just for a minute or two,
For me to linger for just a little longer around you.

Grow up Adam

Sick and tired of your bs Adam. Don't even try to come near to any of my friends again. You are a sick and manipulative, compulsive liar. Just because you are let off with a police warning doesn't mean you are free to do whatever you want. I will not rest until justice is served on your sorry ass if you continue with your tricks. You can't fool everyone. 

Heart sprung in roses

Sweet scent of roses, deep from the heart.

Nothing smells as beautiful as your smile and your laugh.

Silence

A noisy mind.

Silent lips. 

A quiet moment. 

Screaming. 

An exit. 

Sealed by thoughts. 

A wide eyed plea. 

What do you hear?

Silence. 

Gross

Some people are just disgusting.

Utterly appalling. 

You'd wish they would go away. 

Some people are just bewildering. 

Shameless and revolting. 

It makes you want to go, not stay. 

Well, of Coz I know

It takes all sorts to grow. 

But really? Get the go and don't show up in my face no mo. 

Fair

The notion of fair is subjective. Is it fair to hurt someone the same way they hurt you?

Who knows. 

It's kind of a two way argument. On one hand, no, an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. On the other, one never learns the pain they leave others until they feel it in themselves. 

In the end, I guess we'll just have a world of blind people who finally understand why they shouldn't have done what they did. Too late maybe. 

烂好人

总是做个烂好人。哎，真的拿自己没办法。

Mahjong!

Got introduced to it first time about 2 weeks ago, and last night, a second!

I'm still not very good at it, I guess I'm just not big on gambling. Or maybe, I'm just not thinking enough into the game to enjoy it. But all in all, it wasn't so bad. Lost 90c, and won a little bit. Could have been less if I had known the rules better!

I can see why people like playing mahjong though. Other than the possibility of winning some $$, it's a good reason to have atleast 4 friends/new friends come together for a social gathering. Thats really just not too bad at all! It's also a good reason I guess for me to stop welling myself up in my hole and get some friends. Haha

Perhaps the new year will bring more social gatherings. Perhaps. :) looking forward to 2016 already. 

I know you are reading my blog

AFH Stop stalking me, otherwise I will be forced to take out a Personal Protection Order (PPO) against you. Get out of my life and let me repeat myself, don't come anywhere near to me, my friends, my family and my property whether physically or via the internet and/or electronics.

This is a serious LAST warning. After repeated warnings and requests for you to leave me alone, if you do not comply, I will be forced to expose your full name and IC together with my warnings in order to put in place an effective PPO. If you have any alerts that are linked to my blog, remove them. Delete my number/email and any other contact methods from your phone/PC/email/written notes/any other recording methods you may have and stay far far away from me. I do not want to receive any "updates" from you whether in the form of an email/text/call. I do not wish to have to repeat myself again, because the next time I feel the need to, I will be putting it forward in the form of a formal PPO. Do not test me.

Past, Present, Future

Little Ellie, little heart
Oh how you built me from the start
How can I ever forget,
The beauty of life you made perfect

Kisses misses Victoria Secrets
Sweet words and warm scratches
Things that matter, don't matter, matter

Waddling duck and elephant feet
You bring me right back again
Why did you do it?
Tell me,
please.

A year coming to an end

Another year has past. Another bizarre episode to my life. I guess life is really not predictable.

So many things happen this year, it's really quite something. Haha. Like my mom would say, this year I probably really 犯太岁 没有拜. Hopefully next year will be more positive.

I have to say, I'm probably too much of a free spirit for my own good. Following my heart rather than the set path of life. The set path that most others seem to be quite happy setting foot on. 

Perhaps I'm just too unconventional. After 30 years, I'm still finding it hard to understand how "normal" people think or act. And more often than not, I feel like an alien in this world of norms and conventions. 

Some times, a combination of melodrama, fear, courage and naivety seems to be the worst traits to have. And other times it seems like the best way to live life and see the world around us with fresh new eyes. 

What can I say! C'est la vie!

Cc: to you

There are times where things seem uncertain

Where what you thought was perfect, cease to be perfection

Look back in time to look for your anchor

What held your heart then, may be the answer

The world is indeed your oyster

Savour it with all its flavour

Whatever happens, you know for sure,

You have my blessings 

For all ends and beginnings. 

Peace

With slow realisation,

Understanding

Thinking

Sunshine

Waking up to a hazy morning

Snuggled up to your scent

Fuzzy head and fuzzy feelings

In my dreams I think we met